


Whispers in the Shadows

by LtLime23



Series: Disappear Without a Trace [3]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: AU, Action, Adventure, Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, F/M, Grief, Hope, LGBTQ Character, Love, Post War, University, lovestory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-16 03:46:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12334887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtLime23/pseuds/LtLime23
Summary: Four years after Jayne melted into the shadows of Thessia her life becomes entwined with House T'Soni once more.  Liara faces her own journey of self discovery and acceptance.  When the paths they walk seem so unclear can a love that was born in innocence survive to burn bright once again?





	1. Sailing High Seas

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, welcome back.
> 
> I'm still overwhelmed by the response to Skimmed Stones & Heartbeats and I really hope you all enjoy this sequel. I made a slight tweak to "A Foreword from Jayne" to neaten up the timelines. This will get a little darker and I suppose a little more grown up but we are, after all, walking with this pair as they migrate to adulthood.
> 
> Updates will be steady but not as quick as the first part, work is busy and life is busier, but I promise not to leave you hanging too long.
> 
> L for Love,
> 
> LtLime23

**1 st July 2201, 02:45, Location Withheld  **

The wire supporting Jayne’s weight pulled at her waist.  The slimmed down harness not made for comfort, she knew the pressure on her hips would leave a mark.  The darkness is absolute, the kind that seems to push inwards on her eyes, coloured patterns swirling, tricking her mind into thinking she can see, something.  The New Moon offering perfect cover, thick cloud adding to the heavy atmosphere.  Long ago Jayne would have had to work hard to swallow her fear. Now, darkness is a comfort, she almost feels naked in the light.

Not once has she used a torch.  On the roof, she’d stowed her parachute and jump kit.  Counted steps and used the compass bearings on her optical display to pace to the anchor point.  By touch alone, she’d rigged the abseil, clipping the line to the loop on her back. Planned, her movements are millimetre perfect, execution swift.  Time spent visualising each action coming to fruition.

Flexing her ankles, she tests the tension on the cable, making sure she can take the three-foot jump through the centre of the window without triggering a lock out.

Even with the support, gravity still pulls at her.  Upper body tensed to keep herself perpendicular to the wall.  Three storeys below, the ground waits.

In three seconds, Jayne’s world will shatter like the glass of the window where she’s just placed and primed a sonic pulse emitter.  Its silent burst of energy will reduce the solid pane to a shower of crystals. 

In three seconds, she’ll push away from the wall and drop silently through the aperture.  Unclipping at just the right moment to allow her momentum to spin her axis one hundred and eighty degrees, landing on her feet. 

Rotating, she’ll take two steps across the empty corridor, drawing her pistol while slamming the sole of her boot through the door.  Warm light will blaze against her.  The target will be exactly where she expects and she won’t hesitate when pulling the trigger.

It'll be like any other hit.

That’s what she tells herself in these three seconds, as she waits, holding her breath.

Except there is no way this can be like any other hit. Not when she’s about to blow a hole in the side of the house that became her home.  A place she hasn’t stepped foot in for four years.  When she does.  When the glass has been swept, the inevitable blood and brains have been scrubbed and steamed from walls and carpet.  She’ll have to explain.  Not just why she's infiltrating the T'Soni Estate.  Again.  But all of it.

She hopes she's ready.

**13 th October 2200, 14:47, Abercarne**

Keycard between her teeth, Liara shouldered open the heavy door to her apartment.  Arms straining with the weight of the box she's carrying, it gets dumped unceremoniously on the kitchen table.  The strap of her bag slipping off her shoulder to the floor.

Home.

Flicking on the kettle, she perched in the right angle of the kitchen counters, catching her breath.  Living on the third floor had its advantages but carrying a tonne of books up two flights of crooked stairs was not one of them.

Hot mug in hand she savoured the first inhalation of steam, feeling the dampness form on her face.  It was good to be home.  Silent for now, her housemate not returning from lectures until late this afternoon.

She loved Janiris.  The long weekend spent back at the Estate had been a wonderful break, full of laughter and fun, good food, long walks and cosy hours curled in front of the fire.  Although, Janiris in the T'Soni house was not for the faint hearted, dignitaries would come and go, always another Aunt to entertain or cousin to gossip with.  Liara could cope with it for a time.  Now, she needed her space and she needed her peace.

Leaving the box of gifts and bag where they sat, Liara took her tea to her room.  It smelt as it always did, a mixture of delicate citrus and warm ocean spray.  She sighed, leaning into its comforting embrace.  The view over the pitched rooftops remained the same.  She can still see the triangle of blue that nestled between the houses and the distant horizon.

Promising herself a run later, her feet already itching to pound the seafront path.  For now, another part of her is calling.

Curling up in the sea of cushions that nested between the foot of her bed and the alcove of the window.  She pulled the heavy fleece blanket over herself, placing her mug on the lip of the windowsill.  Hand slipping under the pillows she pulled out the small battered tin.

Just like her tea, she savoured the metallic click as the lid pushed open.  Cocooned in her den, she closed her eyes, letting the autumn sun stroke her cheek.  She sighed.  Saliva rushing in anticipation, as she lightly held the tab against the roof of her mouth.  The small, white square, melting with a hum of fizz on her tongue, the sweetness swallowed as she fell from the world.

\-----  
  
Bathed in red, Aria pulled the zip of her jacket up to her chin.  Burying her hands in her pockets, she let the gradient carry her forward. 

The town of Abercarne lay at her feet, she sighed, how did she end up in a place like this?  A tiny seaside town in the middle of nowhere.  The answer was simple, Reapers. 

Fourteen years was nothing, the galaxy still lay in a smouldering heap.  The rebuilding efforts continued, priorities revolving around core infrastructure.  Still, worlds continued to turn, people continued to grow and seek normality.  Education was key.

This place out in the sticks, was one of the few that went untouched physically by the War.  Across Earth less than three hundred universities still stood.  But a new age of education had started, the ribbons of institutes pulled together to form a global network.  No longer individual silos a worldwide University grew out of the ashes.

Even so, if you wanted to study, your choices were limited, so, Abercarne was now home.

The sun had nearly completed its journey below the horizon by the time she reached the bottom of the hill.  Turning onto her street, Aria let the day’s lectures rinse through her mind.  It had been a good day for a Monday.

Turning on lights to combat the darkness and selecting her 'chillout' playlist to counter the silence, she dropped her bag on the bed. 

A gentle knock on the door before she pushed it open. 

Why are you still doing this?  She shook her head in the darkness.  One day maybe it would be different.  She watched for a while, Liara's gentle breathing, deep and steady, swirls of dark energy dancing across her skin.  Her friend looked beautiful.  Aria sighed, Liara always looked beautiful, she didn't need this.

Picking up the half-drunk cup, its content gone cold, she swept into the kitchen to prepare dinner, leaving her housemate to sail her high seas.

\-----

“Hey sailor,” Aria said, glancing over her shoulder.

“Hey,” Liara yawned sleepily, “did you miss me?”

“Sure I did, you’re the life and soul of this party after all.”

“Hmm, I believe you thousands wouldn’t,” Liara muttered, sitting at the table and flipping up the hood of her jumper.  Aria served up two bowls, taking her place opposite. 

“Course I missed you, although the media kept me well informed of all things House T’Soni.”

Liara rolled her eyes.

“Goddess, you know how much I hate it.”

“You love the attention,” Aria smirked.

“Be nice or I won’t give you your present,” Liara retorted, jabbing her fork towards her friend.

“Please tell me it’s a new Commando Critique calendar featuring only Shiala?”

“Even better,” Liara laughed.

“It’s a book isn’t it,” Aria said flatly.

Digging into the box that still cluttered the kitchen table, Liara pulled out a very book shaped parcel.  She watched as Aria held it in her hands, turning it over, feeling the weight.

“Open it then.”

Pushing her bowl to one-side, Aria carefully undid the wrapping paper.  Despite appearances, it wasn’t a book.  She gasped as the lid lifted, the smell of leather filling her nose.  A pair of handmade gloves lay neatly inside.

“Liara, these are gorgeous,” Aria breathed as she slipped her fingers into the soft interior, flexing her fingers and feeling the material move with her.  The armour plating almost unnoticeable across the back of the hand, wrist and knuckles.

“Your current ones are a disgrace,” Liara stated, picturing the scuffed palm and holey fingers of her friend's current pair.

"I love them!" Aria stood from the table, "wait here," nipping across the hallway to her bedroom and returning with a slim package, “obviously it isn’t on the same grand scale but, well, Happy Janiris.”

There was no mistake, this was definitely a book.  Liara slipped off the wrapping, holding the slim volume in her hands.  White pages vibrant against the rich greys of the cover.  She ran her fingers over the soft matt finish, inhaling the new print, she adored a fresh cut book.

“I know you went through a phase of reading loads of books like this when you were studying historic conflicts,” Aria wanted to explain, “but I saw this and there was something beautiful about it that I thought you’d appreciate, it has the poetic voice you enjoy but it’s written with words we actually understand.”

Liara turned the book over in her hands and read the blurb:

_Whispers from the Shadows; a collection of letters between an Alliance Marine and those closest to them.  In a search for understanding, the subject of the correspondence range from schoolteachers and parents, to lovers, best friends and worst enemies. It explores what it means to forgive and what it takes to heal.  A journey to determine if, in a world rebuilding from conflict.  We can ever be enough._

“Aria, this is so thoughtful, thank you,” Liara said earnestly.  She thumbed through the pages, excited to let herself fall into the prose.  Aria was right, she’d loved reading accounts, letters and poems written by soldiers pre, during and post conflict.  Their experiences stripping away the fluff of life and leaving only a raw emotive understanding.  Often the writers had nothing to lose, causing them to lay their souls bare.  She shivered, remembering lines from works that left her feeling harrowed and ravaged with sadness, or those that spoke of love and hope so pure.  She was a hopeless romantic.

\----- 

Hooking thumbs into the loops at the end of her sleeves, Liara took a deep breath and drove into the night.  Standing tall, shoulders back, hips pushed forward to elongate her stride.  She felt the ripple of her thighs with each step, the cold energising as it moved over her bare legs.  The final dregs of Paradise blown out by the breeze whipping off the sea.  Turning onto the seafront she pushed harder to the point just before her breathing became ragged.  Heart pumping, its echo in harmony with the crashing of the waves, the giddy cackle of the pebbles rushing back on themselves spurring her on.  Past the rusting ruins of the pier and leaning into the bend, slingshot-ing herself around the jutting mound of the old castle. 

Powering down South beach, much calmer than the North Parade.  Liara ran on, passing the dog walkers, the new lovers and the town drunks slouched on benches bottles in hand.  Her eyes started to water with the bite of the wind in her face, blurring her edges. 

Eventually land gave way to the harbour, inky blackness swallowing her path.  She paused, hands on hips letting her pulse drop and shaking out her legs.  The streetlamps on the other side dancing in the ripples of the sheltered cove.  Trawlers and pleasure boats all tucked up for the night.  

She watched a lone figure walking alone the shoreline, saw them dip to scoop up a handful of stones.  Casually tossing each one into the playful waves as they walked their crunching path, skirting the edge of darkness.

Liara closed her eyes and shook herself free of thoughts.  Turned on her heels and ran back into the night.


	2. Heaven

**17 th October 2200, 20:45, Abercarne**

Tucking her feet under, Liara burrowed down into her den of cushions and blankets.  Curtains drawn she had the apartment to herself, Aria in a pub somewhere preparing to paint the town red.  Liara had put this moment off, wanting to wait until she didn’t have anything else vying for her attention, she wanted to saviour each and every page.  Picking up the book Aria had gifted her, she thumbed to the start of the first letter, cracking the spine and settling in.

_To, My Pillar of Stone,_

_You’d been a permanent feature of my life for four years.  You were the junction I passed through every day, the park bench, green doored house or old oak tree.  Always there.  Never wavering, stoic regardless of circumstance._

_You were on my prereferral.  I suppose I hadn’t realised how close we’d become until the day you asked for help.  I didn’t expect it, but now I look back, it was always how it would be. We’d become entwined in a sense._

_We shared a love.  My best friend became your girlfriend.  Originally, we were Brothers in Arms, colleagues, teammates.  We had each other’s backs, but that was a given.  Then, she became the thread that tied us to one another._

_It wasn’t until the end that I realised how far you’d go for me, even though I know you did it for her._

_That day, when years of trauma caught up with me, the final showdown leaving me shell-shocked blooded and broken.  I tried to breath and felt the air thicken to a solid mass that simply suffocated.  The clear sky clouded as I felt myself fall._

_You caught me._

_You will never know the relief I felt when you wrapped me in your arms, pulled my back against your chest and held me until the ground solidified.  Cradled against your chest as you carried me, not caring about the state I was in.  Your heartbeat, in that moment, was the only thing keeping me alive._

_I didn’t get a chance to thank you.  I want you to know that in my darkness you shone brightly.  The tenderness and dignity you offered me, words can’t explain how grateful I am._

_I know you did it for her.  You’re a good man, full of pride, honour and potential.  You cared for me because you care for her.  She valued your actions as much as I.  The love between the two of you gave me a life raft, a safety net.  When I was so overwhelmed by my own feelings the knowledge that the two of you had found each other was the mass I needed, an anchor._

_So, thank you.  Thank you for it all.  Thank you for accepting you were dating her best friend too.  Thank you for trusting me.  Thank you for being the pillar of strength we both needed in that instance.  Thank you for loving her.  Thank you for catching me._

Liara sat back and considered the words, she thought about the people in her life.  Aria was her closest friend, Goddess who would have expected that!  Apart her though, she supposed there were people on the athletics team or from her course that she’d consider friends, then there was Feron.  She didn’t like to think too hard about him.  But, someone on her edges who would swoop in and save her?  She supposed that, as the author had experienced, you wouldn’t know who would step up until it was time. 

**18 th October 2200, 07:00, Citadel**

“Mmm, I like you suited and booted Mr Vega,” Ashley said, still wrapped in the sheets enjoying the view of her fiancée getting ready for work.

“Got to up my game now I’m playing hardball,” he replied, adjusting his belt so the buckle was perfectly centred.  He shrugged on his jacket that not only gave him dashing good looks but concealed the pistol and holster.

“Tell me James, do you still sleep with a gun under your pillow?”  Ashley uttered, letting a purr slip into her voice.

Vega looked at her in confusion.

“Sorry what?”

“You’ve never seen James Bond?”

“Who?”

“You’re kidding? James Bond, double-o-seven, license to kill, international man of mystery, MI6 secret agent and,” she licked her lips, “a cunning linguist.”  James looked blank, “wasted on you,” Ashley tutted rolling her eyes.

Vega sat on the end edge of the bed, he combed back the stray strands of her hair, leaving a kiss on her forehead.

“Wish me luck?”

“You’ll be great,” she said squeezing his hand, “now go before you’re late.”

“And it wouldn’t do to keep M waiting now would it Moneypenny?” he replied with a wink.

\----- 

Vega made his way through the wards, nodding a hello to the vendors and usual commuters he saw almost every day.  The C-Sec skycar with its streak of blue, sat idling by the transit hub.  Pulling his jacket together, James ducked into the passenger seat.  Not being in uniform he felt like some sort of VIP.

“All set?”

“As I’ll ever be,” James said, blowing out his cheeks.  He glanced nervously at his mentor, C-Sec Captain Marrick Lornax.  The Turian was head of Code Black, responsible for co-ordinating all aspects of the Council’s safety whilst the various dignitaries and ambassadors were on the Citadel.

“You’ll be fine, the Human Councillor is no trouble, just lets you do your job,” Marrick said with a wave of his hand.

“Easy for you to say, you’ve been doing this for years, I’m at home in mud and grit not silk scarfs and martinis.”

“The Alliance thinks highly of you Vega, we need the best of the best and besides, this is a mere stepping stone for someone with your talents.”

James slipped a piece of gum between his teeth, thoughtfully chewing as the Citadel whizzed past the window.  He’d worked hard to get here, nothing had been easy, from Cadet to Marine to Lieutenant, he’d put his heart and soul into the Alliance.  Finally, it felt like it was paying off.  A year on secondment with C-Sec and then he could start N5, pass and he would get his shot at the Spectres.

Having already completed three months in narcotics tailing dealers and setting up stings, he was now tasked with supporting the Human Councillor.  Most people would consider this baby sitting, but James had to sift through hundreds of communications looking for threats, evaluate security details for events, of which there were many, vet staff, review travel arrangements.  The list was endless.  All completed without intrusion and while developing an understanding of the galactic-political landscape.

“Any final words of wisdom?”  James asked as Marrick brought the skycar in to land outside the embassies.

“Do your job, don’t smile, don’t fuck up.”

Swallowing hard, James levered himself out of the car, buttoning his jacket he strode across the concourse.

\----- 

“Come in.”

Tentatively James entered the Councillor’s office, small, neat, functional.

“Good Morning Sir,” he was cut off by an urgent hand wave.  The Councillor in the middle of a call.

“Hold on, let me check my schedule,” the Councillor swept through the room, gathering data pads and OSDs, thrusting them at James, “yes sure, okay 16:27 I’ll be there, yes, you too.”  Closing his omni-tool the Councillor grabbed his mug of coffee taking a swig and ushering James towards the door.

“Sorry about that, James, isn’t it?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Great to have you aboard James, sorry, in at the deep-end today I’m afraid I’ve got the Hanar up my arse about some Enkindler nonsense and the Salarians screaming about something or other.  All of which pales in comparison to the mess that is the Terminus United Front.”

The Councillor spoke quickly, his voice low as they hurried down corridors towards the Council chambers.  James had had the sense to memories the days schedule, first stop was a full Council session, in at the deep-end was an understatement.

“Oh, I nearly forgot,” the Councillor paused, holding out his hand, which James took awkwardly, trying not to drop anything, “Councillor Taylor, Jacob Taylor.”

**18 th October 2200, 24:37, Kyotek**

Kyotek’s latitude meant even nearing Illium’s twenty fifth hour the sky was only just darkening.  Deep purple clouds rolling down from the mountains holding a promise of rain.  Jayne dropped the visor of her helmet, and kicked her bike into action.  As the mass effect field took hold, she easily found the balance point, hovering a few feet from the ground.  Weaving through the grid of streets she dropped the frontal shield to feel the warm air push against her.  This part of the city was almost deserted, full of warehouses and manufacturing facilities that wouldn’t wake up until dawn.  Dark buildings slipped by, blurring with the odd blink of a security light or traffic signal.  The empty runways letting her open up the throttle, slicing through the night.

Pulling up in the pool of a street lamp, she stowed her helmet and swung her leg over the bike.  Pulling down the zip of her jacket she ran a hand through her hair.

It wasn’t until she’d passed through the second steel door that the beat started to penetrate.  The steady throb getting louder and louder as she walked along the humid corridor.  Pale blue lighting making the shadows more intense.

The Asari on the door nodded as Jayne pressed a credit chit against the reader.  There were two conditions to entering Heaven; one, you had to know how to get there. Two, you had to have money.

“Can I take your jacket?” 

Jayne smiled, letting the Maiden take the zip on the rest of its journey and slide it off her shoulders.  The skin on her arms already prickled with goose-bumps as delicate fingers ran a trail from wrist to elbow.  Jayne could imagine the feel of the tongue that carefully whispered, “table six,” in her ear.

She sat, as directed, a cold glass finding its way into her hand.  Two Turians and a Human were already enjoying the show.  The Asari working table six curled and shifted around the pole in time to the music.  In Heaven the dancer chose you.

Her drink did nothing to sooth the dryness of her mouth, tongue held between teeth as she watched.  The Asari circling and prowling, showing powerful skill as she weaved her magic over her four slack-jawed admirers.  Despite the dancer wearing nothing but black lingerie, it was Jayne who felt naked under her gaze.

As the music switched indicating the change, Shepard breathed a sigh of relief, taking a gulp of her drink.  She knew what was coming.

Sure enough, moments after the girl had left the stage, another already dancing in her place, a hand ran across Jayne’s shoulders.  Two blue fingers walked a path up her leather clad thigh.

“Would you like a private show?”

Vailed as a question it was anything but.  As the Asari took her hand, Jayne let herself be led across the club, trying her best to keep her eyes away from the flexing contours of the Maiden before her.

Through the door to a private room, the double bed, fresh sheets, soft lighting and same pulsing beat intoxicating.  It was a relief to be pushed against the back of the closed door, the Asari’s hands pressing into her hipbones, bodies braced against one another.  Jayne’s  hands slipped down to the small of the Maiden’s back, eye contact and breath held as they inched closer for a kiss.

“Hey Shep,” the Maiden grinned, pulling away and launching herself backwards onto the bed, “been a while has it?”  She teased.

“Fuck you,” Jayne growled, pushing the back of her head against the door and looking at the ceiling, trying to ignore the ache inside her.  With a sigh she looked at her friend, “it’s good to see you Sasha.”

The Asari patted the bed, Jayne lay on her side, propping her head on her hand.

“The rest of the girls send their love.”

“I miss them.”

“The cadre isn’t the same without you,” Sasha found Jayne’s hand, her thumb drawing patterns on soft skin.  Jayne let her fingers entwine with the Asari’s.

“What have you got for me?”

“Huge sums of credits are being funnelled through accounts via fences.  Someone is trying to cover their tracks, deliberately splitting transactions, dummy runs the lot,” hands drifted apart following lines to waists and shoulders, “one side leads directly to the TUF, the other to the Batarian Ambassedor.”

“I thought he was clean?”  Jayne said as she pulled firmly on Sasha’s hip, sliding bodies closer.

“Everything so far suggests he is, but this link between him and the TUF is unclear, we _think_ it might be drugs,” Sasha explained, her voice becoming more hushed with each breath.

“Are you sure?  Weapons yeah, but drugs haven’t really been the TUF’s MO so far,” Jayne muttered, eyes drifting to the seductive curve of cleavage as her hand followed the lace of underwear.

“Agreed,” Sasha whispered, fingernails grazing the sensitive spot behind Jayne’s ear, “but tensions are mounting and drugs are an easy way to get credits, I’ve sent you details of a handover we think is happening in Kyotek.”

“When?”  The pair so close, Jayne could see the quickening of Sasha’s pulse in her neck, the Asari’s lips glossed and full pleading to be kissed.  Jayne’s mind filled with the thought of Sasha’s hot mouth on hers.  Fuck she needed this.

“Two hours,” Sasha breathed, already pulling Jayne on top of her.

_Did I tell you I missed you?_


	3. Distraction

**19 th October 2200, 01:48, Kyotek**

The rain had arrived.  Level drops of warmth that beat constantly against the city.  A fine mist of spray settling across roads and roofs.  Air so thick with water you couldn’t see the blinking red lights on top of the towers and scrapers.

Leaning against a wall, arms crossed, Jayne waited.  She ignored the cling of her hair that had quickly become saturated, and the tickle of drops infiltrating her collar.  Attention focused on the corner of a warehouse across the street.  She wasn’t alone.  Someone lingered, just around the corner, an elbow or boot occasionally becoming visible as they checked back and forth.

At exactly 01:50, Jayne heard the approaching steps.  She could feel ripples in the air as the figure moved up the street.  Even if they’d glanced into the alley where she was standing, she knew they wouldn’t see her.  As they passed, their features were caught in the half light of a security lamp.  Batarian.

The handover was swift and slick.  A relay, not even a handshake.  Nervous footsteps moved towards her, Jayne furrowed her brow, this didn’t add up.  The guy that hurried past, head bowed and shoulder hunched was young, skittish.  A lot of trouble to go through for a handful of tabs, probably recreational, nothing more than personal consumption, maybe a few extra to cover his costs.  This was Illium, as long as your pills had a label you could buy anything, in any quantity.  This was weird.

The Batarian watched him go, Jayne decided the dealer was the best option for answers.  As he rounded the corner Jayne slipped through the shadows following his footsteps.  Silently climbing the metal staircase of a fire escape, she knew the Batarian was walking into a dead end.  Hugging the parapet of the warehouse roof the noise of the rain almost deafening as it drummed off the metal, Jayne followed his progress. Below she watched her target slip through an opening in the chain-link fence that surrounded the great towering vats of chemicals used by the adjoining pharmaceutical plant.

\----- 

Bron hated the rain.  He also hated being broke.  As nothing more than a dressed down runner boy the flow of credits was more a trickle than the raging torrent he’d been promised.  Grey market ammo and mods not making ends meet once those higher up the food-chain had taken their cut.  Maybe this was too good to be true but he had nothing to lose.

Taking the wet balustrade in his hand, Bron started to climb the maintenance steps that curled around the chemical silos.  He pushed the doubt from his mind, so far everything had been as he’d been told.  The first payment, more creds than he’d seen in months, already sat cleared in his account.  The handover smooth.  The gap in the fence was exactly as described.  Why should he think the credit chit with the final payment wouldn’t be waiting under the second inspection hatch on the top of vat three?

His feet squeaked on the treads as he climbed, legs starting to burn, these things must be at least one hundred and fifty meters tall.  He passed the red painted logo, three giant triangles, bold even in the gloom.  The climb was worth it for the view alone.  Kyotek stretched out before him.  Even in the rain it was beautiful.  The bright lights of the central district giving a vibrant halo to the urban sprawl.  The rugged mountains taking on an ominous over-watch.  Tail-lights of skycars dodged and weaved, no doubt taxis taking giddy fools back home, alcohol burning in veins and laughter ringing in ears. 

He was still smiling at the vista when a hand pressed into his chest.  Feet slipping backwards, no hope of catching himself, he toppled backwards over the safety rail.

\----- 

Jayne didn’t need to see the body.  The wet thud that echoed between the vats, bouncing off their smooth white surface like a failed laugh was enough.

**19 th October 2200, 16:00, Abercarne**

Backpack over her shoulder, Liara waved a goodbye as she left the sports centre.  A successful cross-country meet meant it was smiles all round, albeit mud splattered.  The shuttle trip to the mountains had been short, the whole team jittery with excitement at the opening race of the season.  Runners from all over had turned up ready to pitch themselves against one another and the terrain.

Low cloud meant the high peaks were off limits but the lowlands and constant rollers still held plenty of challenge.  Grass tussocks and bog had stolen more than a few ankles while scree descents were a true test of nerve.  Liara had ran well, still early season, some fine tuning to do but she felt good.  Body and mind striving for that wonderful peace only pushing herself hard could bring.  She smiled at the thought of a hot bath and stretching out the days miles.

Liara continued to smile as she recognised the cut of the profile resting against the railing outside her front door.

“You’re back early.”

“I managed to get on an earlier transport,” he smiled at her, “I hope you don’t mind?”  Liara slipped into Feron’s arms, tugging on the collar of his jacket, standing on tiptoe to give a gentle kiss.

“Not at all, although I feel gross and I’m verging on hangry.”

“You wash, I’ll sort food,” he grinned.

 -----

“There’s a Drell in your kitchen.”

“Yeah, that’s Feron, Liara’s boyfriend, you should get used to him loitering,” Aria said, too absorbed in her book to really pay attention.  Nyreen put the two mugs of tea on the bedside table, slipping back under the sheets to curl in next to Aria.

“You don’t sound particularly thrilled about his existence.”

Aria put her book down, the heavy tomb of _Advanced Management Skills: Getting the most from your assets_ , was a dry read anyway.

“He’s a distraction.”

“What do you mean?”

“She’s in love with someone else, always has been, always will be,” Aria reached for her tea, “it’s a long story, one that Liara doesn’t want to hear.  So, she distracts herself with Feron, maybe she’ll face up to it someday,” Aria shrugged.

“How long?”

“Four years, this should have been dealt with, I don’t know, eighteen months maybe two years ago.  Jayne came back, or at least tried to.  Liara didn’t want to know,” Aria couldn’t help but shake her head, “things got messy.”  As much as she’d do anything for Liara, she couldn’t help but think her friend was a fool.  Everyone knew why Jayne had left, why she needed time and space.  Liara had seemed to accept it too, clearly everyone got it wrong.  “So yeah, get used to him.”

**20 th October 2200, 06:45, Kyotek**

Shepard’s cereal had been sat in the milk for just the right length of time to still have bite but not be too noisy to chew.  She flicked on the morning newsfeed, muting the anchors inane chatter and taking up her spoon once more.  It hovered in the no-mans land between bowl and open mouth as she stared at the screen. 

Hitting the vidcom console on the coffee table, Jayne waited for the call to connect.

“Detective Anaya, how can I. . .Oh.”

“Why am I waking up to find I’m wanted in connection with the death of a Batarian drug mule?”

“I’ll be over in ten.”

\-----

Jayne had at least dressed fully by the time the Detective arrived.  Shepard pushed a mug of coffee at the harassed looking officer who accepted gratefully.

“The photo is from the opposite side of the city.”

“I know.”

“It’s also been manipulated.”

“I know.”

“Who’s the source?”

“I don’t know.”

Silence spread between them.  The image flying around the news networks was a grainy shot taken with an omni-tool.  It showed Shepard astride her motorbike outside Heaven.  The quality was so poor you couldn’t tell it was her, but then it had to be poor, because they’d removed Sasha from the image.

Anaya set down her coffee.

“You go first.”

“I was at Heaven for a cache,” Jayne stated, “but you know this because you’ve already pulled the cam footage that shows me and Sasha.  Plus, you know how the Guard works.” 

“At the corresponding timestamp, the security camera has you making out with an Asari,” Anaya said, pulling out an envelope from her bag and placing a still on the table.  Jayne swallowed hard as she looked at the crystal-clear image of her and Sasha, outside in the rain.  “I take it you were told about a handover.”  Shepard didn’t respond, she gave the Detective a hard look.  Anaya threw up her hands, “fine, look, as soon as I saw this,” she pointed to the security cam shot, “I ran your plates and tracked you through traffic, you were there.”

Jayne nodded.

“I saw the handover, it was low level, this is Illium they didn’t need to hide in a dark alley, the whole thing felt off,” Jayne had spent her Sunday mulling it over, it all seemed like an elaborate staging, “the Batarian climbed up the steps of one of the chemical vats and yeah, the sound of the impact told me all I needed to know.”

“He was shot.”

“Did you do an autopsy?”

“Jay, his head was blown off.”

“Do an autopsy, you’ll find he died from the impact.  As soon as he hit the deck I left, whoever pushed him shot him _after_ he landed.”  With a sigh Anaya tapped a message to the Techs, Jayne Shepard had done her enough favours in the past that she owed her this one.  “If you knew the photo was fake why did you release it?”

“I didn’t,” Anaya huffed in exasperation, “I turned up this morning to the print on my desk and a note from my superiors saying they’d already put out an appeal.”

The pair looked at one another, each coming to the same conclusion.

“Can you get me to Thessia?”

“Pack your things.”

**21 st October 2200, 11:23, Thessia**

Another datapad was placed on top of the already precariously balanced pile.  Head between her hands Shiala tried to ignore the pounding between her temples.

“Thank you, Anita,” she muttered, despite her tiredness, manners were to be maintained.

 “Your welcome Shiala, Chloe will be along later with the confirmed itinerary for the Councillor’s return to chambers.”

Shiala nodded her thanks to the Acolyte, she was a good kid.  Shaking her head, Shiala scolded herself for thinking like that, Anita and Chloe were now the Councillor’s Acolytes, she had to stop thinking of them as children.  Spinning her chair to face the window, she put her feet on the window-ledge and looked out at the Serrice parkland.  This was meant to be her easy life, stepping down as Benezia’s Acolyte and Chief of Staff she now only oversaw the Honour Guard.  Dealing with security for the House was supposed to be less stressful, it was turning out to be anything but.

Rubbing her face with her hands the buzz of her omni-tool reverberated through her features.  What now?  Still looking at the view as she read it took her three passes to comprehend what she was seeing.

Well shit.

\----- 

Jayne finished unpacking her things, her room at the Cales monastery was exactly as she had left it.  Her training and combat gear stowed neatly, weapons pristine and mounted on the wall.  Hammock slung, ready and waiting, prayer matt where it always lay and her desk facing the window anticipating her pen.  The simple shelves on the wall held her books, notes, ink and journals, it was home.

The Thessian heat too much for long layers, Jayne pulled on her training shorts and t-shirt.  Padding barefoot along stone corridors she pulled her hair back into as much of a ponytail as she could manage to keep it out of the way.

The courtyard was quiet, a few apprentices sat on low benches, sheltered under the foliage of trees, reading, reciting teaching or just pondering.

A nod to the Arms Master as Jayne took her favourite training sword from the locker.  Forearms already twitching as she handled the grip, letting her fingers find the familiar balance.

Taking her position in the centre of the courtyard, Jayne took a deep, measured breath.  Quietening her mind and letting her body flow.  Slow, deliberate actions pulled the blade through the air, feet stepping through memorised routines.  When new recruits start these patterns they thrust and jab, not understanding the sword is never swung with aggression.  Fluid and controlled, Jayne let her mind and body melt into a single entity.  The drum of her heart the only sound as she built the rhythm faster and faster.  The dark energy within her started to flow, curling like clean waves, targeted and accurate.  The whip of the tip hummed through the air, polished blade sending sparks of sunlight across the walls of the quad.  When she leapt into the air, landing with grace and poise the, her blade buried into an unseen enemy the force of her biotics shook the ground, a roll of thunder shattering a still summers day.

“She still practices then?”

“I wish some of the cadre were half as dedicated as she is.”

\----- 

Returning her weapon, Jayne jogged up the steps to the open-sided walkway that circled the courtyard.  Nervous of course, but she couldn’t help but smile.

“You’re still impressive My’ka,” Shiala said with a warm smile.

“I learnt from the best.”

The pair fell in-step, Jayne leading them out onto one of the rocky outcrops that overlooked Lake Bisel, Armali just visible through the heat haze.  Sitting on the warm granite it was difficult to know what to say, Jayne decided to start with the facts.

“Your ship is leaking,” Shepard watched a shiver of understanding run through Shiala, she already knew the Commando would take her seriously, “I was set up on Illium, following up a lead the cadre have been chasing.  Except, they didn’t catch me at the scene.”

“I looked at the image you attached, it’s fake.”

“Yes, and taken on the opposite side of the city, I was with another member of the Guard.”

“So why is it my ship that’s leaking?”

“Everyone inside Heaven is part of the Armali Guard, leaks in the cadre don’t happen,” Shiala nodded.  She’d trained here just as diligently as Jayne, you swore an Oath to your sisters.  If it were betrayed, you were dead before you knew they’d found out.  Jayne continued, “you’re the only other person who knows where I am.”

Shiala sighed, this was bad.

“You know how tight our communications are Jayne, we change the encryption near enough every hour, the House owns the company that sets the standard in cyber security.”

“I know.  This is internal.”

Shiala put her head in her hands, her day was getting worse by the moment.  Finally, she asked the pertinent question.

“What do we do?”

“Nothing, continue to track me, I need to figure out the why before we take on the who.”

Getting to there feet Jayne made to walk back to the main building.  Shiala grabbed her hand.  Pulling Jayne into a tight hug, Shepard replying with equal and opposite intensity.

“It’s good to see you Jayne.”

“Likewise, Shiala, give Sofia a massive cuddle from me.”  Jayne felt the Commando’s nod, words not forthcoming as they both tried to keep control of their tears.

Jayne held open the door of the skycar.  She felt the knot twist in her stomach, fingers gripping hard on the metal lip of the door.

“Shiala, is she…” Jayne’s words faltering, as her features filled with sadness, she couldn’t not ask.

“I’m sorry Jayne,” Shiala placed a comforting hand on her My’ka’s shoulder, she knew it would do nothing to ease the blow she’d just dealt to Jayne’s heart.

“She’s okay though?”  Jayne said, trying not to choke on her words.

“Yeah, she’s okay,” Shiala replied.  When she looked Jayne in the eye, they both knew she was lying.


	4. The Warrior & The Guardian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I'm humbled by the influx of support for this work. I know you hardly have enough pieces to tell if they're even from the same jigsaw, but I promise things will become clearer.
> 
> This is likely the last update until next weekend. 
> 
> Thank you <3

**23 rd October 2200, 21:40, Thessia**

Finally, the day was done.  The last meetings and calls had come to a close.  Tomorrows list of priorities had been compiled, although Benezia doubted it would be the same when she woke up.  Her bags, she knew, were already packed and the T’Soni corvette would be waiting, primed and ready to whisk her back to Chambers while she slept.

The door to her office quietly opened, Benezia letting a small smile escape at the sight of her bondmate.  Without a word Aethyta slipped her hand into Benezia’s, the pair migrating towards the window, the lights of Serrice twinkling before them.

_“Nezzie, we may have a problem.”_

_“Another to add to the list?”_ Amusement passed between them, there was always something, always a ‘what’s next’.

_“Shiala is investigating a breach, internal, we have to tread carefully.”_

_“We are stringent on our recruitment of staff, Shiala herself would never let such a thing happen, why is she taking this seriously.”_

That had been Aethyta’s first thought too, when the Captain had come to her with these concerns.  Shiala was the best, House T’Soni had not once had a problem with staff defecting or betrayal.  Shiala freely admitted she usually ignored such rumours, already knowing they were false, but this time. . .

_“We have to take it seriously Nezzie, the information came from the most trusted of sources.”_

_“Who?  We only trust those inside the House.”_

_“Jayne.”_ Even with the meld Benezia still turned to Aethyta in shock.  _“Shiala met with her, she’s back on Thessia at Cales.”_

_“Goddess! Dammit Aethy I wish every day she’d chosen the Honour Guard, her and Shiala were made to work with each other.”_

Aethyta let her laughter trickle through the meld.

 _“They do work together, but I know what you mean.  We both know why she chose the Armali Guard over the House.”_ Aethyta held her bondmate against the sadness that flooded through them. _“We can’t blame either of them Nezzie, Liara is her own woman, you made sure of that.”_

A hesitant smile.

_“I’m proud of them both Aethy, but Goddess I wish Liara would come to her senses.”_

_“It isn’t our place Nezzie and you know it, she’ll make her own way on this journey.”_

_“Since when did you become so wise?”_

_“Maybe you’re finally rubbing off on me.”_

**29 th October 2200, 17:07, Abercarne**

A morning of practical skills in the Archaeology lab, preserving and cataloguing finds from recent field work followed by freedom. Wednesdays always followed the same pattern.  By midday Liara would be pulling on the gold and purple of Abercarne ready to run in the midweek league.  10-15km off road this time of year.  Today’s race was local, her turf, bring it on.

The course was one of Liara’s favourites.  It started with the ridiculous climb that ramped up from the sports centre carpark.  Turning into the woodland the adverse camber and slippery roots making shoe choice critical.  Levelling out, the trail opened into the grassland and pastures to the east, on a clear day the mountains were visible, today they’d been shrouded in dark clouds. 

Every three or four hundred meters the path would be broken by a fence crossing.  This caused bottlenecks and upset rhythms.  Frustrated by the constant start stop Liara had spent her summer practicing methods to tackle the obstacles.  Low fences she’d simply hurdle, now she’d perfected whipping through her trailing leg.  She couldn’t count the number of times the feeling of elation at having cleared the hurdle came crashing down as she face planted the floor, her right foot usually still hooked over the barrier.

 What she loved most was the step over.  Leaping into the air, planting her foot on the top of the obstacle and striding out on the other side.  This method meant she cleared the churned-up mud either side of the gate or style.  She loved the feeling of her momentum carrying her up, over and through the air, without breaking her flow.  Sure, sometimes a stone would be loose or she’d have to adjust mid-air to avoid and unseen hazard but her speed made it simple.  The faster she went, the easier it was.

Following the ‘v’ of the spring, the course dropped down rugged grassland, in summer these meadows were filled with butterflies and wild flowers.  Today the steely grey waves licked at the beach below.

Weaving through the sand dunes, Liara had to grit her teeth.  Legs burning and fast turning to jelly with the constant roller-coaster of fine sand, shoes filled after only a few steps.  The bite of the marram grass adding to the sting.  With a deep breath Liara forced herself to think about something else.  The Latin term for marram grass is Ammophilia Arenaria, a name with eighteen letters, twenty-seven percent of which are ‘A’. . .

A final long climb up the headland of Constitution Hill, skirting past the café on the top before lolloping down the gravel track to the finish on the promenade.

Across the line and it was high-fives and ragged breathing all round.  Individual performance wasn’t the focus of the mid-week league, it was all about the team.  Points awarded based on a cumulative team time.  Five fastest finishes, adjusted for species.  Abercarne A had easily won, the local Harriers coming in a close second. 

 Liara felt her pulse quicken as she replayed the race, tucked up in bed next to a sleeping Feron.  He was always waiting patiently at the finish line with her hoodie and recovery shake.  The short walk back to the apartment, a quick shower before they’d fall into each other.  The flake of Paradise pressed between tongues as they moved together, letting minds drift and weave.

She watched the gentle rise and fall of his shoulder as the Drell slept on.  Turned away from her, the deep shade of his skin stark against the white linen.  Drawing patterns in the lines of his body, squared shoulders, flowing but harsh lines.  The dull tone of his skin that never seems to glow in the light, with its grainy texture that pulled at her fingertips.  A whisper of Paradise still lingers in her mind as she slips into warm, strong arms, smelling the familiar heat she feels the glancing touch of hair against her cheek as soft lips meet, her taste is still vivid even now.

With a scowl Liara pulls herself away, slipping out of bed she wraps herself in a robe.  The cold splash on her face rinsing away her frustration.  Catching her eye in the mirror and turning away sharply.  She avoids looking at herself, too often she hasn’t recognised the woman facing her.

_To Mothers, old and new,_

_I’m lucky.  In my short life I’ve experienced the unreserved love of two incredible women.  First, my Mother, the Warrior._

_Our time together was not nearly long enough.  I wish upon the stars you swore to protect that we had had longer.  That I held more than hazy memories to call upon when I need to feel you close.  When I need your strength.  When I need to remind myself of why I feel to the depths I do._

_I’ve always wanted to stand and salute you.  To look you in the eye and have you know how much pride fills my chest when I think about what you did.  The moment you left my Father, I saw the sacrifice you were willing to make.  The two of you knew it was over, that this was the time, that this was the end.  His hand on your cheek, the look you shared, trying desperately to communicate every ounce of your love and commitment to each other._

_The tears that mark me as I write this.  They fall in grief and sorrow.  Your souls were meant to hold one another forever.  This wasn’t what you dreamt of.  This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.  Until death us do part shouldn’t have come so soon._

_I stood by his side as we watched you walk away.  Striding out, powerful and ready.  Your silhouette shining against the fires that we’d long since given up trying to put out.  The calm action of you reaching over your shoulder, taking your rifle in hand.  We watch you get swallowed into the chaos, not once did you look back.  I’d just seen the light in your eyes dim, you had nothing left to lose.  You strode into Hell and let your rage gorge on vengeance._

_I choke when I think of that day. Caught between the overwhelming weight of loss and the inferno of determination that pushes me, every single day._

_That drive makes me work harder.  I’ve been surrounded by people telling me how much of a credit I am to you, how you’d be so proud.  But it never felt enough.  No matter how good I am.  You’ll never see it.  I could save every innocent life in the galaxy, but I can never bring you back._

_Mum, I’ve made promises I couldn’t keep.  I’ve fallen into darkness and not known how to escape.  I’ve pushed against love and understanding because I felt I didn’t deserve it._

_I’ve howled, wounded in the desperate frustration of wanting you.  I beg and plead for just a single hour with you.  I’m a solider, I should be heroic and selfless.  But so often I feel weak and helpless._

_I need you._

_More than ever, now I’ve let go of the hurt.  I need you to squeeze my hand, rinse the dirt from a graze, kiss my forehead and give me the courage to face the world._

_I own the loss of you and Dad.  I own the mistakes I’ve made and the bruises I’ve dealt to those I love._

_Perhaps I’ll be blessed with forgiveness, even if that isn’t the case, if the damage runs too deep, I must try.  I’m doing this all while holding onto the shard of your conviction you gifted me the day we said goodbye._

_My second Mother, the Guardian._

_It took you less than a moment to understand what I carried.  Like the Warrior you held yourself tall and walked blindly into chaos.  My chaos._

_You held me._

_I hadn’t been held in seven years.  That single action healed so many wounds but split old scars in equal measure.  Still, you didn’t waver.  Instead, you held tighter as I pulled you into a storm.  You took it all with nothing but grace._

_You play a hard game.  Balancing odds, calculating risk, occasionally hoping on blind luck.  Sometimes you win, others, your aim is simply to break even and survive.  Regardless of the weight of your burden you always make time.  For me, for her._

_Your wisdom meant you could see what lay ahead before I did.  Yet you never once tried to discourage me.  Always supportive.  Gentle nudges, pertinent questions, always so generous with your guidance._

_A part of you is surely angry for what happened.  You trusted me with the most precious part of you and I betrayed that trust.  Blinded and overwhelmed, it isn’t an excuse.  I was lost, broken and foolish.  It doesn’t justify my actions._

_I spent a lot of time indulging in the guilt, replaying my decisions and telling myself I could have done things differently.  I now know that time was wasted._

_The words you spoke were genuine.  Even after everything you were still compelled to protect me from myself.  My worst enemy._

_The Gods chose for our paths to cross unexpectedly.  It had been over a year.  Yet the only action you took was to wrap me in your arms and pull me close._

_“Be kind to yourself.”_

_The words rolled off you like smoke, smothering all my self-loathing and doubt._

_I accept now that I did my best._

_You accept that. You accept all I am.  Even if that means accepting my failings._

_Thank you._

“Are you alright?”

Liara stood arms wrapped around herself staring into the darkening sky.  Aria’s gentle words and hand on her shoulder pulling her back to the kitchen.  Her book squeezed between fingers, inadvertently pressed against her chest.

She wiped her eyes.

“Yes, sorry, I’m fine,” she said, fumbling with the sleeve of her robe, “the book you got me, it’s, well, you were right, I love it, but some parts are, hard to read.”

Aria didn’t give an immediate reply, she could already see the cracks creaking wider in Liara’s fragile veneer.

“Maybe I should have got you some soppy chick-lit too?”

Liara offered a weak smile.

“I should,” she faltered, Aria saw the doubt clear and bright, “I should get back to Feron.”

Aria let her hand slip from Liara’s shoulder, she watched the walls come up as her friend readied herself to return to her room.  Maybe one-day Liara would change ‘should’ to ‘want’.


	5. Cloak & Dagger

**13 th November 2200, 08:00, Citadel**

Slipping her feet into a pair of black kitten heels, Jayne stood, straightening her skirt and checking the collar of her white blouse.  She let go of the small ball of awkwardness that sat in her gut with a sigh.  The usual dishevelled mop of her hair tamed into a bun, the touch of air across her exposed neck causing a shiver.

Striding through the Citadel Commons, Jayne merged seamlessly with the other commuters, coffee cup in hand, a smart shoulder bag bobbing against her hip.  In the confines of the elevators, she distracted herself sipping at her drink, savouring the deep, smooth flavour.  As she stepped into the Council Embassies her guard rose, she had one shot.  She was determined to make it count.

A firm handshake, cool, almost damp skin against her own, such a contrast.

“Good morning Ambassador, Rose Hanson, Citadel Communications Network,” Jayne offered smartly.  Ensuring she didn’t make any unconscious ‘human’ gestures that could be considered an insult by the Batarian.

“Ambassador Bray,” he replied curtly, “thank you for coming so quickly.”  Moving into the room Jayne noted the long table spread with a hotchpotch of terminals, datapads and other devices.  The Ambassador gestured to the collection in exasperation, “I can't access anything, just the same error message.”

Jayne nodded.

“This happens when a breach of the Citadel system has occurred.  We are under constant attack from external organisations and individuals.  Every now and again they are successful; we automatically sever the connection to the targeted account to protect the individual.”

“What!  How am I only finding out about this now, who is attacking me?”  Bray exclaimed, quite rightly.

Jayne flicked open her omni-tool, “In the last ten minutes, two hundred and seventy attacks on the CCN have taken place,” she explained, “I completely understand your frustration Ambassador, please be assured we are doing our upmost to maintain security.  Less than 0.001% of hacks make it past the initial firewall, it takes an exceptionally skilled attacker to get as far as triggering this level of lockout.”

The Ambassador looked deflated.

“I'm sorry; I know you are just doing your job.”

“No apology necessary Ambassador,” Jayne smiled warmly, “I need to back-track in order to determine how they were able to circumvent security, this may take a while but I will have you back up and running as soon as possible.”

Jayne pulled a terminal from her bag, settling at the far end of the table.  Thankfully, the Ambassador lost himself to various calls, the office a constant to and fro of diplomats and aides.  Shepard had to work quickly.  Hardwiring her terminal into the Ambassador’s she navigated around the files and software executing the transfer program.  While it was true the Ambassador couldn’t connect to the CCN, a cyber-attack was an embellishment.

Having spent the last few weeks painstakingly going through detailed accounts in an attempt to trace the funds and find connections Jayne had admitted defeat.  Without a solid lead, she needed to find a new source of information.  Her only option, the Ambassador’s personal terminals.  Engineering the connection lockout had been the easy part, now she had to work fast to avoid triggering actual CCN security.

The Reaper invasion of Thessia resulted in near total annihilation of the previous Huntress and Commando structure.  For years following the firing of the Crucible, communications were severely limited.  As one of the most well-resourced cadre, the Armali Guard had adapted and expanded to preserve Thessia and the Republic.  The Guard now had agents in all sorts of organisations and sections of Citadel and Council operations.  Her ‘sister’ in the CCN could only give Jayne an hour’s window. 

Jayne worked hard not to fidget as she watched the progress bar.  These were fragile times, the galactic community continued to reel from the War.  Resources were tight; the economy only just out of emergency measures, living was a struggle.  Stability in Council space only just maintained.  The refugee crisis creating a wedge of cultural divide and animosity.  People not content with the near total destruction of the Milky Way exploited the discontent for personal gain.  The power hungry swam like sharks, picking off the weak and gaining strength. 

Shepard knew Ambassador Bray was clean.  He was driven and calm in negotiations, grateful that the Council had given him the chance to represent his people.  So far, he’d only worked to solidify relationships and denounce the civil unrest of Terminus species.

Lifting his data was the only option.  If she spoke freely about her concerns, there was no way of knowing who could be trusted.  Stay in the dark until there is nothing but light.

\----- 

Once more with his arms bulging against the pile of datapads and terminals, James tried to ignore the thought that he was just an over-qualified errand boy.  Following Councillor Taylor through the maze of the Citadel, James chided himself for losing focus.  He followed the Councillor into one of the embassies.  The Batarian Ambassador looking flustered and irritable, great, he thought.

“James, myself and the Ambassador will be retiring to the meeting room,” he was being dismissed.  Vega waited until the door had closed to the small room off the Ambassador’s main office before letting out the breath he’d been holding.  Trying to ignore the ache from his clenched jaw.

Dumping the stack of datapads on the table, Vega paid no attention to the woman frantically typing at the far end.  Instead, he slouched against the window and watched the skycars skim up and down, opening his omni-tool, reading through the news.

\-----

Jayne couldn’t help but smile at the sight of James Vega.  He’d filled out even more but still managed to not overwhelm or dominate.  He looked good, if a little frustrated.

An eye on her terminal, thankfully it was nearly done, Jayne slipped out of her seat.  The sound of heels on the hard floor causing James to look up.  Shepard had to bite her tongue against the double take Vega did, his eyes widening and mouth opening. 

“Shep?” His voice a whisper of disbelief.

“Invite me to dinner?”

“We eat at seven, apartment 8-82.”

Jayne glanced at the progress bar, done.  She quickly disconnected the cables, tidying her things and throwing her bag over her shoulder.

“Can you let Ambassador Bray know his account has been unlocked and the CCN will be in touch if we need further help with our investigation?”

Vega blinked at her, a brief nod given to her retreating back.

**13 th November 2200, 14:30, Abercarne**

Abercarne’s coastal location meant even on days forecast to be miserable, the onshore winds usually blew the rain right over the town.  Liara sat on the oversized concrete steps, watching bulbous rain clouds skitter across the sky, eventually catching and shedding their load on the distant mountains.  Grateful for her gloves she pulled out her book, deciding she had time before Aria would arrive for just one more.

_To My Best Friend,_

_What didn’t we do together?  What haven’t we been through?  What haven’t we achieved together? Constantly pushing off of one another.  Always-in competition but never in conflict._

_Inseparable almost from the day we met.  I have never trusted anyone as much as I trust you.  I don’t care about time or distance, and I know you don’t either, we will always be one of the same.  Always a team._

_There almost isn’t anything more to say.  I have your back.  You have mine.  We know each other’s hopes and fears and we both know how to get the best from the other.  I wouldn’t be half the person I am without you._

_You are my sister, my number one fan, the closest thing to family I have and my inspiration.  Never a shred of judgement passed between us.  Even when we disagreed there was never anything but respect._

_The inside jokes, the knowing looks, the none-verbal communication the squeeze of a hand or the nudge of a shoulder.  We have our own language but we don’t need it, already knowing what the other is thinking._

_You will always be the best of the best.  You will always be my first love.  You will always be my confidante and ally.  At no point has it ever felt as if I left you, because we both know, I didn’t._

_The day I turn up on your doorstep, unannounced with a pack of beers, you’ll have already had the table set waiting for me to arrive._

_Whatever our future, we’ve got it covered._

_X_

Relief, Liara thought, smiling to herself.  She tucked the book in her bag and got to her feet.  A sea of people spilling out onto the concourse from one of the main lecture theatres.  She picked Aria out easily, walking towards her friend and throwing her arms around her.

“Er Liara?”  Aria said, gingerly patting the other woman’s shoulder.

“Right, yes, sorry,” Liara pulled away, blushing a little, “I, well, just, thank you Aria, for being a good friend.”

“Liara, I have been anything but a good friend,” she snorted.  Liara waved her words away.

“We all make mistakes.”

Taking the steps down through campus the pair choosing to meander along the gravelled footpath rather than take the direct route back home.

“Aria, can I ask you something?”  Liara’s words hesitant, “have you ever had a ‘best friend’?”  Aria considered the question, letting it chase itself through her mind.

“Until you I don’t think I’ve ever had a friend, let alone a best friend,” Aria started, “I had acquaintances sure, boyfriends, girlfriends but never anything close to our relationship.”  Liara smiled, and saw Aria was doing the same.  Cautiously, Aria continued, “if I’m totally honest Li,” Aria stopped walking, looking at her feet, “Shepard was the first person to ever show me kindness.”

Liara met Aria’s gaze, she could see her friend was nervous but only voicing her truth, she nodded.

“I know.  It was her way,” she paused, “are you in touch with her?”

“Yeah,” Aria said quietly, “I’ve never stopped, I mean, I’ve only seen her a couple of times but we write regularly.”

“You write to her?”

“Well yeah, the Cadre wouldn’t allow any other form of communication.”  Liara buried her hands in her pockets, a knot of sadness and guilt twisting in her stomach.  “Li, what’s up?  I thought you knew Jayne wrote to everyone?”

“I didn’t know,” Liara said simply.  Aria furrowed her brow.

“I don’t understand, did she not tell you?”

“Apart from, well, you know, I haven’t had any contact with her.”

Aria stopped again, Liara carried on walking.  Aria couldn’t help but reach out and grab her shoulder.

“Liara, are you telling me you didn’t read a single one of her letters?”  It was a void question.  Aria already knew the answer.  The look of sadness, frustration and remorse on Liara’s face nearly broke her.  “Li, she poured her soul into those, she explained everything, what happened when she came back?”

Liara shook her head.

“Tell me,” Aria said, not letting go of her friends shoulder.

Liara flung her arms in the air, bitter frustration lacing her words.

“I was so angry Aria.  I was angry at everything, the Reapers, the Alliance, Jayne, you, my parents, the Council, being part of House T’Soni.  I was sick of it all.  I loved her Aria.”

“I know,” Aria pulled Liara into a hug, feeling the angry tears wreck at her friend.

“I didn’t open a single one, I know I should have given her a chance but I just didn’t want to hear it.  I couldn’t bare it I missed her so much,” Liara gulped at the air, trying to regain her composure.  “Then when she came back after finishing at Cales, Goddess I couldn’t take it,”

The ground shifted under Liara’s feet, she clung onto Aria, her mind falling back to that horrendous day.  How many times had she replayed it?  Over and over.  All she’d wanted to do was throw herself into Jayne’s arms.  The Thessian Spring already tinging Shepard’s skin to honey, her body strong, supple, moving easily.  Liara remembered falling into the piercing gaze of her eyes, bright with a light she hadn’t seen before.  A crooked smile that Liara knew was reserved only for her.  Goddess she’d looked beautiful. 

But, the anger that skulked in Liara’s chest had broken free.  The pull of her heart, her soul calling to Jayne seemed to send it into a frenzy.  Instead of the loving reunion she’d dreamt of, she’d spewed bile and hatred.  Her words lashing at Jayne.  She’d watched the love of her life recoil and shrink.  Liara had no idea how or why her arm had swiped through the air.  The palm of her hand stung for hours with the force she’d whipped across Jayne’s face.  The slap of the impact so crisp and sharp it had split the world in two.

While Liara’s soul wept at the confused and hurt woman in front of her.  Her devil gorged itself silly on Jayne Shepard’s broken heart.

**13 th November 2200, 19:00, Citadel**

With a pack of some dubious looking Turian beer under her arm, Jayne knocked on the door of apartment 8-82.  Ashley nearly dropped the bottle of wine she was holding.  Discarding it on the side, she practically leapt across the room, Jayne having to work hard to brace against the impact as arms and legs wrapped around her.

“I can’t believe it’s you!”  Ashley practically screamed.  Jayne grinned into her friends shoulder.

“Definitely me.”

Ashley untangled herself from Jayne, smiling from ear to ear.  Turning to James, she beat him across the chest with a tea towel.

“You Mr Vega are in big trouble, telling me some woman from work was coming over.”

“It’s true!” James protested, giving Jayne a huge bear hug, “I did meet Jayne at work.”

\----- 

The three settled down to dinner, good food and easy conversation ensuring smiles and laughter filled the Williams-Vega home.  It was always like this, Jayne thought, throughout everything, whenever she and Ash had met up, it was as if they’d only seen each other the day before.

“How long are you here for?”  Vega asked.

“I leave later this evening; I have to get back to Thessia.”

“I’m not stupid enough to ask why you were here but is everything okay?”

“I don’t know,” Jayne said simply, letting her finger circle the rim of her glass, “someone has gone to a lot of trouble to pull me into ‘something’ what that is I don’t know yet.”

“Well you know where we are if you need anything,” Ashley added.

“Speaking of which, what is this crazy new job you have Ash, it sounds incredible?”

“Jayne, it’s amazing!”  Ashley was off.  Lost in a trail of words that tumbled out of her.  Williams had taken a role within the Citadel armoury, liaising between the Alliance, C-Sec, Spectres and other Council militia developing and procuring weapons.  She was responsible for the munitions contracts and giving extensive feedback into the prototyping and testing phase of arms development.  A dream for a girl who loves guns.

“So what should I be purchasing next?” Jayne asked, loving the passion that bubbled off Ashley.

“The next big thing is syncing weapons with biotic implants.  The Treberg group are leading the way on this, kind of odd given they mainly deal in medical supplies but so many businesses have diversified since the War.”

“Treberg make weapons, wow, that’s news,” Jayne said.

“I know when Matriarch Heleena first came to my office to show off her wares, I thought she was pulling my leg, but apparently House Thespis is now pushing for a slice of the market.”

“And they’re good?”

“Hell yes, expensive though, unless they can come down on price the Council is never going to deal with them on large contracts.”

“You don’t need a new gun,” James piped up, “not now you’re all cloak and dagger.”

“This Huntress will never tire of having a well-balanced and perfectly calibrated sniper rifle in her hands,” Jayne quipped with a smile.


	6. Maybe

**November 30 th 2200, 08:15, Thessia**

Fingertips trail along the mortar lines of stonework.  Feeling every dimple and blemish, the cool blocks solid and calm.  Even quiet footsteps echo, softly announcing Jayne’s presence.  This part of Cales has always been her favourite.  The open squares of windows wide and deep enough that she could sit and look out over the rolling foothills.  Feeling the sun on her skin as she pondered scripts or letting her mind lull with the scent and sound of the pummelling rains. 

A small knock on the open door.

“Hey,” Jayne whispered.  This is Cales, there is never a need to raise voices.  Sasha looks up from her work, although truth be told she’d been lost in the view.  Her mind sagged with fatigue having just returned from operation, it’d take a day or so to readjust. 

“Hey,” Sasha watched as Jayne takes up her usual position on the floor, legs out in front, back against the wall.

“How did it go?”

“We achieved our objective, but it was hard work, four days of recon before we even dared make a move.”  Sasha pinched the bridge of her nose as she pushed back the memories of lying prone in the cold and wet for hours on end.  Staring down scopes, hardly daring to breathe.  “It’s good to be back, and to see you.”  Sasha matched Jayne’s position on the floor, hands linking.  “What happened on Illium? When I heard you were back here I didn’t believe it.”

“The handover was a setup, someone is playing us, well me, and I can’t really make head nor tail of it,” Jayne tried to hide her frustration, she was still sifting through the Batarian Ambassador’s data, so far she couldn’t find anything remotely suspicious.

“That’s not what’s bothering you though is it?”  Sasha moved herself so she had a knee either side of Jayne, weight resting on thighs.  She let her fingers combe through Jayne’s hair, watching the tension Shepard was holding release with each rake of her scalp.

“No, it isn’t,” Jayne sighed, “Sasha, we need to talk about us.”

“And say what?”  Sasha replied, kissing Jayne’s forehead, “that you’re in love with someone else?  That you always will be?  That whatever is between us is transient?”  Cupping Jayne’s face in her hands Sasha leant down and kissed her, lingering long enough to feel Jayne’s reply.  “I’m going to let you into a secret Jay, being an Asari is really fucking lonely.  A thousand years, what do you do with it?  We study and plan and fill our time with ‘stuff’.  We’ll have hundreds of roles throughout our lifetime.  We fall in love, but do you know what?  Nine times out of ten, we watch our love die.  Do you know how chronically sad that is?”  Jayne reached for Sasha’s hands, holding them in hers.  “We don’t need to talk about ‘us’ Jayne, I’ve got five hundred years on you, I know how you feel, about her, about me, I’ve been inside your head.”  Jayne let a small smile play at her lips, it was true, she hadn’t attempted to conceal anything from Sasha.

“So what, you’re in love with her.  Outside of that, you’re a person, an individual with wants, needs and desires.  How fucked up would you be if you buried those like you did everything else?”  Sasha took a deep breath before continuing, “I like you Jayne, being with you is easy and fun and a complete contrast to everything else we face on a day to day basis.  All I’ve wanted is to hold onto that connection for as long as I can.  To just enjoy our closeness.”  Sasha stood up, pulling Jayne to her feet, arms wrapped around one another, foreheads meeting.

_“Every moment we’ve shared means everything to me Jayne.  I’ve always known I’d have to let you go, it hasn’t stopped me loving you, it never could.”_

_“I’m sorry I couldn’t love you how you needed me to.”_

_“Don’t be, just fight now Jay, do it for me.  Fight for her, she’s your bondmate and she deserves all of you.”_

The kiss they shared was slow, intense and deep.  It voiced all the things neither of them could.  It sang of tenderness, and thanks, of hope and of a different kind of love.  It was a moment of allowing the parts of themselves they had shared the right to say goodbye.

**November 30 th 2200, 14:22, Abercarne**

_To the Lover, who isn’t Her,_

_You never once asked anything of me.  You knew you were saving me from myself.  Locked in a cycle of denial you broke through.  You told me it was okay.  That I was whole.  That the feelings I had, that the things I craved were normal and that asking for those things didn’t lessen my feelings for Her._

_You were selfless.  You knew I would never love you, well not in the way you wanted to be loved.  That, until whatever happens, happens, another would hold my heart, even if they cared little for it._

_Others may judge, tell me I betrayed Her, that I shouldn’t have sought comfort in your arms.  Our friendship ran deeper than that.  You’ve been with me on this journey from the start.  At first, you just walked at my side, guiding me back to the light when my dark threatened to swallow me whole.  When I strayed deeper, you held my hand._

_The day I came back, I couldn’t speak the pain in my soul was so great.  I’d made a horrific error of judgement, the guilt and hurt made me collapse inwards.  You carried me._

_Later, when I’d steeled myself and settled into my new life.  I reached out to you.  We were both so alone, craving the touch of another.  Skin on skin contact to know we weren’t void of our sense of self._

_We found one another, carved out a small gap of calm in the chaos, held one another and so it grew.  We both started to smile again.  We both started to heal._

_You knew all along that it wouldn’t last forever, we both did.  It didn’t stop us though, why should it?  Why should two people not forge a shard of happiness, of closeness, why can’t that be valid?_

_One day, I’ll let go of your hand for the last time.  I haven’t given up on Her.  Not yet.  It may seem stupid but I can’t deny my soul one last chance at entwining with Her’s.  They’ll be sadness at the goodbye, but we both gave each other hope that wasn’t there before._

_Regardless of the future, know that I will always be thankful for what we had.  It may not be the all-consuming gravitational pull of a love that seems to form the very fabric of the universe._

_But._

_It was a kind of love, just the same._

With a slight chew of her bottom lip, Liara crossed the small hallway that separated the four rooms of the apartment and gingerly looked around Aria’s doorway.  Lay face down on her bed, Aria finished highlighting a key sentence in her notes, looking up.

“What’s up?”

Liara took the invitation and sat down next to her friend.

“I’ve been a rubbish friend Aria,” Liara drew patterns with her finger on the bedspread, “I haven’t asked how things with Nyreen are.”

“There good, early days but good,” Aria couldn’t help but grin, blushing slightly, “she isn’t trying to change me Liara, she accepts me, the good the bad the ugly.” 

“I love seeing you like this,” Liara said, “all smitten and loved up, I’m glad someone has been able to weasel their way under your hard exterior.”

“Careful T’Soni, you’re almost falling into the trap of calling an assertive, strong willed, intelligent and motivated woman, hard and cold, you’ll be calling me a black hearted bitch next.”

They both laughed. Liara raising her hands in surrender.

“Fair, how easy is it that we slip into those derogatory turns of phrases,” Liara handed Aria her book, “read that section.”

Aria let the words lift off the page, pondering the sentiment.

“What’s on your mind Liara?”

“Feron.”

“What about him?”

“This letter is about loving someone who you can’t be with, and finding comfort and maybe a different kind of love with someone else,” Liara couldn’t meet Aria’s eye, “when I think about Feron.  I don’t feel like our relationship is either of those things.”

Aria covered Liara’s hand in hers.

“That’s okay too, as long as he brings something positive to your life then what else matters?”

“What if,” Liara wasn’t sure she could voice the words that had been quietly teasing at the back of her mind, “what if, part of me is still holding out for someone else?”

“Do you still love her?”

“Maybe. . .”

**10 th December 2200, 02:45, Thessia**

Lost to the depth of sleep Jayne dreamt of home, walking with her Captain through the woodland path, crossing the bridge and following the estuary to the harbour. 

A lick of concrete carries feet forward.  Even those with the strongest of wills can do nothing but place one foot in front of the other.  Surface ridged just enough to push through the soles of shoes, its grip reassuring even when wet.  The security of the width leaves no place for fear; this place will keep you safe.  

Mathematical accuracy draws clean, precise lines.  The axis of the horizon perfectly dissected by the perpendicular rise of the lighthouse.  In darkness, the green navigation light blinks, toing and froing with its equal and opposite, the pair a welcome ‘hello’.  

Reaching the end, the world is reduced to the endless motion of the sea.  Mind lost to the movement, until, without warning the problem that needed to be solved.  The idea that lingered teasing in the shadows.  The equations that held the answer all along rise to the surface, bobbing in the breeze.

The only noise here is the voice of waves, sometimes nothing more than a soft whisper.  A gentle slap against the haphazard tumble of boulders that dress the bottom of the wall.  At others, the roar of violent chaos beats and batters vying for attention against Atlantic squalls.

At its finest on a November evening.  The smokehouse in the harbour laces the air with dry sweetness from the burning curls of Applewood.  A full intake of breath fills your body with the taste of salt and mackerel.  Hairs stand on end as the final rays of winter sun turn the flecks of spray to embers.  Their brightness vivid and stark against the inky mass of water.

This place will consume you while letting you free.  Push you further from yourself while grounding you.  It will reflect your rage with vicious swells and anchor your heart when times threaten to swallow you whole.

“Why did you bring me here Garrus?”

“This place always helped you think.”

It took her a moment to remember where she was, Jayne expecting to wake up in her Alliance dorm, not nestled in her hammock at Cales.  The echo of her dream rang loudly in her mind.  She’d missed something. 

Scrambling out of bed, she set two terminals side by side.  Pulling up Ambassador Bray’s accounts on one screen and the duplicate information that the Cadre traced she sat back and let her mind drift.

Unfocusing her eyes Jayne relaxed her breathing, hoping the ebb and flow of the ocean memory would lure whatever had woken her out of the shadows.  Her eyes fell to the timestamp on each of the feeds.  Seconds fell over one another, rhythmical, methodical, fifty-nine beats, ticking into minutes.

Jayne furrowed her brow.  Selecting the same transaction on each terminal, she delved into the code of the entries.  She blew out her cheeks.  Fuck.  She’d had this data for nearly two months, how had it taken her so long she scolded herself.  Slamming her palm on the desk.  It hit back at her accusingly. 

Pulling on a hoodie Jayne wrenched open her door and sprinted, barefoot along the corridors of Cales.  Steadying herself, she carefully stepped into Sasha’s room.  Sitting on the edge of the bed, Jayne gave the Asari’s shoulder a firm shake.  Sasha coming too with a moan of disorientation.  Jayne placed a finger to her lips.  Sasha was instantly alert, her eyes already darkening as she reached for Jayne’s wrist.

_“What’s going on?”_

_“The information about the funds to the TUF, where did it come from?”_ Shepard felt Sasha’s mind creak into action, sleep still clouding her edges.

_“We’ve been monitoring the TUF accounts since inception, we noticed they were getting huge sums of credits and followed them up.  The trail bounced across half the Milky Way before we tracked it to Bray.”_

_“The account you traced, it’s a mirror, the transactions are a fraction of a second out.”_

_“Shit, might as well be a week with QEC.”_

_“Exactly.  What about the handover?”_

_“We put out some feelers, nothing obvious, one of the girls said she had a lead, trusted source, a few days later I got an OSD and a follow up message.  Everything checked out.”_

_“Why did it come to me?”_ Shepard felt Sasha’s embarrassment through the meld.

_“I wanted to see you.”_

_“Cute, but that can’t be it,”_ Jayne replied, letting her amusement pass between them.

_“Promise me you won’t be mad?”_

_“Promise.”_

_“You know how fragile things are at the moment Jay; if we discovered Bray was dirty we were going to need to do some careful negotiations, and well the Guard. . .”_

_“Thought the Councillor would be more inclined to listen to my concerns?”_

_“Something like that.”_

Jayne fought to keep herself calm and let her mind digest all this information.

_“We were predictable Sasha, whoever is funnelling funds to the TUF and making it look like the Ambassador knew I was on Illium and knew the Guard would assign me to investigate because of my history.”_

_“Predictability gets you killed.”_

_“Tell me something I don’t know.”_

_“What now?”_

_“I have to go home.”_


	7. Trains, Planes & Automobiles

**11 th December 2200, 09:15, Transit**

Settling into her seat, Jayne tried to relax, letting the hustle and bustle of the commercial flight happen around her.  At least she had a window seat.  With final preparations made the flight-crew took their seats as the transport lurched upwards out of the Thessian atmosphere.  Jayne watched the comings and goings of the shipping lanes and flight paths.  The number of vessels grew every day, everything grew day by day.  Gradually life was getting back to normal, how long would it take?  Who knew but Jayne was grateful she had a future to look forward to.

Smiling to herself she dug into the in-flight breakfast, what would her parents make of the world she was living in?  She mused as she chewed, her Father would no doubt be focused on the next big thing.  What life affirming experience could he be having, what new thing could he be discovering?  Her Mother?  She’d be focused on the strategy, she’d have her head buried in the what ifs, what will come of the Milky Way when the relays to the Terminus reopen?  What hell awaits after ten years of lawlessness?

Jayne felt the subtle thrust, back pressing into her seat as the ship hit the mass relay.  There was a time when she couldn’t comprehend thinking about her parents.  Jayne was glad that time had passed, day by day she was learning the parts of herself that came from each of these individuals.  How, despite losing them so early she could build a connection and channel their spirit, carrying them with her.

The shiver in her stomach had nothing to do with the buffeting of the ship as it careered through the ether.  Jayne tried to calm her nerves at the thought of Liara.  She still flinched at the memory of Liara hitting her.  Hand automatically reaching to touch the site of the impact, the pain nothing compared to the tormenting realisation that she’d got it so wrong. 

**11 th December 2200, 11:20, Abercarne**

Winter is in full swing, fat drops of cold rain hammer at the curved glass windows of the library.  Liara made her home on the top floor, usually there is an inspiring view that takes in the terraces of the hill.  She can lose herself in the gulls riding the up draughts or draw patters in the clouds as they drift on the sea breeze.  Today she can only just make out the roofline of the buildings on the far side of campus.  The cloud base is low and heavy, rubbing out the rest of the world to a monotone grey.

Putting the finishing touches to an essay on the similarities between historic Human and Krogan trench warfare, Liara crosses another task off her ‘to do’ list.  Two more essays and some site notes remain but she has plenty of time before the winter vacation.  She is in no rush.

Submitting her essay, Liara closes her terminal and reclines, a welcome reward after a morning of hard work.  Pulling out her book she turns to the page she’s dog-eared to mark her place.  Letting her eyes slip from the misty view to the text on the page. 

_To the Enemy,_

_God, we were so stupid.  So sure, we knew everything, so sure the universe had no more secrets to bare.  How wrong we were.  Blinded by our own arrogance.  Nobody listened to the whispers in the shadows.  The dark space that hummed with your sigh.  Lurking, prowling, waiting.  We were so, so stupid._

_Warnings fell on deaf ears.  A single voice pushed against a galaxy of denial._

_Then you showed yourself.  An embodiment of fear itself.  The day you arrived was the last time we saw the world in one piece.  War will do that though.  It shatters and shreds, tearing the finely stitched seams of society.  Methodical and total annihilation causing whole and utter chaos.  The physical violence we could comprehend.  The mental terror was something else.  The hunters had become the hunted.  Prey, with not a single escape route.  We lost ourselves in our panic.  We had no answer to our systematic destruction.  When the force of blade and bullet has no effect, what then?  When a blackhole collapses in on itself in hopelessness what is left?_

_The Reaper War.  It was a love story._

_When the odds will never be in your favour, when you have nothing left to lose, the only thing left is love.  A love for living, a love for wanting to wake up and see one more dawn.  A love for yourself, a love for another.  Whatever it was you were in love with, it was valid.  It was the only thing the Reapers didn’t understand._

_We won because of sacrifice.  We won because our will to live, to cling on to what we have, to love again burned brighter and more vivid than our fear.  We won because the Galaxy held its breath and dived into the bedlam.  We swam against your tide and through our hearts and souls into your hell._

_Love is never binary.  It is never discrete.  It cannot be contained, boxed or limited.  It cannot be tamed.  It cannot be destroyed.  You can ignore it, and pretend it isn’t there.  It may hurt just as much as anger or hate.  It can be scary.  Ultimately, it is our essence, and that, could never be destroyed._

_I can only speak for myself.  But.  The War you raged galvanised my determination to live.  To succeed.  To see not just one new dawn, but many._

_To love, with all of me._

Goddess, what a way to look at it.  Liara steepled her fingers, eyes unfocused at the washed-out landscape before her.  She let her head swim with thoughts.  She’d lived through the War, only just escaping Thessia before the ground invasion.  She’d watched the constant news reports always with a backdrop of fire, smoke and horror.  Those years were full of darkness.  Her privilege offering her security, essentially, she’d been hidden.  Her view of the War was second hand, she’d been insulated from it.

Moving to Earth had been easy, the Estate became home almost instantly, her schooling and training continued.  It was as though the war was nothing but a hiccup, a bad dream.

Liara thought of Jayne.  Some people wore the scars of the War like badges of honour, flaunting their hurt and loss.  Not Jayne.  Liara remembered not having a clue of the pain Jayne carried with her.  Somehow, out of ashes, Jayne had used circumstance to push her forward, to strive for a better life.  She saw the best in everyone.  She never hesitated in offering kindness and when necessary, forgiveness.

**13 th December 2200, 10:00, Earth**

Pulling her collar a little higher, Jayne clipped the waist belt of her rucksack closed leaving the landing pad on foot.  She had not missed the weather one iota.  The December wind hurled itself against her, cold tongues penetrating the smallest gap in her clothing.  She shivered, bowing her head and pushing on, taking the footpaths through the woodland, following the curve of the estuary.

It would be find.  Jayne attempted to reassure herself as each step took her closer to the T’Soni Estate.  Liara wouldn’t be home for at least a few weeks, all being well Shepard would be able to work out a plan of action and avoid the Heiress as much as possible.  Jayne knew Liara would accept her presence but it didn’t mean it would be anything but uncomfortable silence and clipped conversation.

Shepard couldn’t help but smile as she raised her omni-tool to the control on the backdoor of the house.  The greenlight of the holo-lock telling her she was expected.  The sound of easy chatter filtered up the steps from the basement quarters of the Honour Guard.  Several Commandos sat at a table, tea and cards between them, another sat waxing leathers.  Jayne recognised a couple of faces, others were new additions. 

Her presence silenced the room.  Jayne ignored it.  Already kicking off her boots, she keyed in the code on her locker.  Everything was as it should be.  Resting her bag on the floor, Jayne began to strip down.  A couple of the Commandos couldn’t hide their gasp of surprise at the sight of the Armali Guard insignia, tattooed in bold black ink on Jayne’s lower back, it was the brand all the Cadre bore.  Her chest swelled with a familiar sense of pride and place as she pulled on her leathers.  The teal piping and silver of the T’Soni house crest a vivid symbol of home. 

One of the Commandos stood from her seat at the table, taking her leave up the stairs.  Jayne finished tidying her things, tying her boots.  A hand through her hair as she shut her locker.  Walking back towards the common area the silence is still total.  The Commando returns with a mug in hand.  The smell of freshly brewed coffee instantly fills the small space.  Jayne takes the proffered mug.

“Welcome home.”

 - - - - -

There is only a moment of hesitation as Jayne knocks and enters Shiala’s office.  The small space is light and airy, quiet despite the barrage of gale that slams against the window.  Aethyta leant against the chimney breast while Shiala sat behind her desk.

“Well look what the cat dragged in,” Aethyta said with a smirk, “those leathers still fit?”

“I think my arrival may have been expected, these still had the label pinned to them,” Jayne replied.  Her body had grown and shifted in four years, developed and honed from the years of intense training with the cadre.

“The Councillor lives in hope that you will return to the Honour Guard, I order you a new set every year,” Shiala revealed.

“For which I am grateful, the leathers of the Cadre are nowhere near as well fitting as these.”

“Goddess you haven’t changed a bit have you,” Shiala said with a roll of her eyes, tongue firmly in cheek.

“What’s the plan?”  Aethyta asked.

“I serve with the Honour of House T’Soni.”

“In which case I will add you to the duty roster starting tomorrow morning,” Shiala stated.

“Now the official shit is done, what about the, how do you Humans say it, elephant in the room?”  Aethyta cutting to the chase as always.  Jayne swallowed hard, her coffee suddenly tasting overly bitter.  She swirled the contents watching the dark surface shimmer.

“I’d appreciate it if you could give the Heiress notice of my presence and assure her I will do my upmost to avoid intruding beyond what is necessary to perform my duties.”  With a nod Jayne turned and left the room, the lump of emotion that had settled in her throat threatening to choke her.

“Well this is going to be a fucking fun filled Christmas,” Aethyta not bothering to hide her sarcasm, “especially when what’s-his-name?”

“Feron?”

“Yeah, when Feron turns up, does she even know?”

“I doubt it, do you think we should tell her?”  Shiala furrowed her brow.

“Shotgun not having that conversation, she’s your my’ka.” 

**17 th December 2200, 06:30, Abercarne**

Leaving a note on the kitchen counter, Liara softly closed the apartment door and hurried down the steps.  Gloved hands made carrying her bag harder than usual but the bitter wind numbed exposed flesh in seconds.  The town was still sleeping in darkness as she walked quickly through the warren of crooked streets. 

Purchasing her ticket Liara found a window seat next to a heater on the maglink.  A shuttle would take twenty minutes to cover the mileage between Abercarne and the Estate.  Liara wanted to take the long way home.  If nothing else she loved the route through the valleys and mountains that would sparkle with frost and snow.  While she would love her arrival to be a surprise, she knew it wouldn’t be.  The Honour Guard that kept a discrete eye on her would know soon enough what she’d done and no doubt Shiala would be waiting with the skycar when she arrived at the other end.  No matter.  For now, she had five hours to do nothing except lose herself in a beautiful landscape and a beautiful book. 

_To my Captain,_

_You didn’t ask for this.  You didn’t ask for anything.  You simply served.  You set an example I will always endeavour to follow.  You were fair, honest, tough but respectful._

_I know you carried a guilt that you weren’t enough, that you’d made the wrong decision or that somehow, after everything that had happened, there was a better option._

_There wasn’t.  You did the right thing.  Without you who knows where I would be or what I would have become.  You saved me the only way you knew.  You did your best and I fight with your honour and your pride every single day._

_I will salute you, always._

A change of train.  Liara stood stoic against the cold waiting for her connection.  The hustle and bustle of commuters readying themselves for the day, coffee cups and breath steaming the air.  The ebb and flow of their tide washing around her.  As nine o’clock ticked by the station emptied and she released the breath she’d been holding.  A nod to the guard as she climbs aboard, the carriage practically empty.  A rare table seat allows her to stretch her legs out, toes wiggling in freedom.  She knows the order of the stops off by heart and can picture the weave of the track as it crosses the country.  The warm pastels of dawn skim the sky in pale pinks and blues, vibrant oranges burn as the winter sun pokes free of the grip of the horizon.  She loses herself to the magic of mother nature.  Monochrome hillsides suddenly flooded with colour, the air turning golden with the kiss of rays.  Her feet itch with the need to run.  Liara already feeling the ridges of frozen ground beneath her feet, heart pounding and lungs burning, rejuvenating and revitalising. 

Purchasing an overpriced tea off the trolley, Liara taps a message to Shiala, it is the courteous thing to do.

**17 th December 2200, 11:00, Earth**

Scooping Sofia into her arms Shiala let herself get carried away with the inane chatter of her youngest my’ka.  Daughter, would have been a stronger word but until Sofia was old enough to make that decision my’ka it was.  The young Asari had just returned from a long weekend at a biotic camp, her enthusiasm infectious.  With practiced ease Shiala flicked open the message on her omni-tool without breaking stride of breath.  Goddess Liara, this was not the plan.

“Can I show you what I learnt?”

“Definitely, although it’ll have to wait until after lunch.”

“Are we going back to the house now?”

“Soon little one, we need to pick up the Heiress from the station first.”

“Liara is home!” Sofia shook with excitement in Shiala’s arms, “do you think she’ll read to me again? I love it when she reads.”

“I’m sure if you ask her nicely she will my’ka.”

 

Waiting outside the station Shiala cursed herself for not speaking with Liara sooner.  Her plan had been to explain the current ‘situation’ to the Heiress when she picked her up in four days’ time.  Well, it is what it is, she sighed.

Liara exited the station looking as beautiful and elegant as ever, even if she was dressed in jeans, winter boots and however many layers of jumpers and coats.

While Shiala would have liked to greet Liara formally the rushing ball of energy that was a 12-year-old Asari rather took the wind out of her sails.  Resigned to telling Liara her ex-girlfriend had arrived on the doorstep of her home she lifted the skycar from the ground and headed for the estate.

 

Jayne saw the skycar descend to the lawn at the front of the house.  Leaving via the backdoor she walked around the side of the house eager to greet Sofia.  During all her time away, writing to Sofia had been her favourite pastime.  The curiosity and joy palpable in the responses she received.  Although Jayne never lied she may have taken a little artistic license with her tales of daring missions and heroic endeavours.  She hoped Sofia would be excited to see her.

 

Shiala moved to the back of the skycar, helping to retrieve Liara’s bags.

“Heiress, Liara,” Shiala gently touched Liara’s wrist, her voice a low urgent whisper, “I’m sorry I haven’t told you sooner and I know this will be a shock, but. . .”

“JAYNE!”

Sofia’s voice burned bright in the air.  Liara looked around the side of the skycar in time to see the tiny Asari fling herself into the arms of Jayne Shepard.


	8. I Think So

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has hit the kudos button or been kind enough to take the time to comment. Really appreciate it. This is a shorter chapter than usual but it needed to be as we transition into the second part of the story.

**17 th December 2200, 11:34, T’Soni Estate**

Jayne fought to keep her balance as Sofia leapt into her, arms and legs wrapping tightly around her.  Shepard held her just as tight. 

_“I can’t believe it’s you, I’ve missed you soooooo much.”_

_“I know tiny, I’ve missed you too, you’ve grown loads, bet your biotics are super strong now.”_ Jayne felt the familiar flash of shyness from the little girl.

_“Can I show you later?”_

_“I can’t wait.”_

Throughout the meld Jayne had kept her face buried in the crook of Sofia’s neck.  As she lowered the Asari to the floor she looked nervously up at Liara.  Jayne etched the image into her mind, a little older but still just as beautiful.  A tiredness skirted Liara’s eyes but her features still bore the soft curves and delicate shades Jayne had fallen in love with.  More than anything though, for the first time in four years, Jayne was seeing Liara’s smile.

“Sofia, come and help me with these,” Shiala thrust a small bag into Sofia’s arms, bundling her off towards the house, leaving Jayne and Liara standing opposite one another, alone.  Jayne desperately wished her leathers had pockets, she had no idea what to do with her hands they felt awkward hanging by her sides.

“Hi,” Jayne offered meekly, “I er, I did ask that someone tell you, I er, I’ll keep out of your way, it’s just. . .”  Jayne felt her cheeks redden, fuck, this was awful.  She silently pleaded for the ground to just open up.

Liara swallowed hard.  Goddess she was stunning.  The House leathers showing Jayne off exquisitely, but that wasn’t what made Liara’s tongue feel too big for her mouth.  No, Jayne had grown into herself, hair a little longer, still rich in colour and texture, framing sculpted cheekbones.  Eyes bright and full of soul, the hint of a crooked smile pulling at those perfect lips. 

Without a word, Liara stepped towards Jayne, grateful the Human kept their winch of tension under control.  Sliding her arms around Shepard, Liara lay the side of her head against Jayne’s chest, breathing in the scent of new leather and the feeling of a racing heart on her cheek. 

There was nothing else to do; Jayne wrapped her arms around Liara, pulling her close.

\- - - - - 

On the third floor Aethyta took a sip of her brandy, smiling to herself.  She opened a vidcall to Benezia.

“Aethy, I have two minutes before I’m due in session.”

“I know, but you’ll want to see this.”  Aethyta flipped the camera and zoomed in on Jayne and Liara’s embrace, “looks like I owe you a fuck-tonne of credits.”

\- - - - - 

The top floor of the T’Soni House had a small study; nobody really used.  A circular window set into the triangular pitch of the roof made the space feel like the lantern of a lighthouse.  The view stretched for miles.  A simple wooden table sat in front of the window, a chair either side.  Jayne nudged open the door, knocking it shut with her toe.  She set down two mugs of fresh mint tea and took a seat opposite Liara.  They both stared into the pale green watching the leaves drift, hugging mugs in hands.

“I’m sorry,” Liara whispered.  Jayne looked up, raising an eyebrow.

“Really, you’re apologising to me?  Pretty sure I’m the one who vanished without an explanation and then turned up expecting you to be pleased to see me.” 

Liara smiled weakly.

“Well yes, you did, but I said some very hurtful things to you that day, none of which were true and I hit you.”  Liara shuddered, her gut gnawing with shame.

“Liara, I’d made some stupid assumptions, it made me realise I wasn’t the person I wanted to be and I still had a lot of growing to do,” Jayne said earnestly.

“What about now?”

“Now?”  Jayne stared hard into her drink, “I don’t really have a choice, I’m here because a threat hides in House T’Soni.”  Jayne caught the concern in Liara’s eyes, “I came fully prepared to keep out of your way, I have no right to make demands of your time.”

“Do you want to?”  Liara felt herself start to walk a fine line.  A tightrope strung out between her safety and Jayne, the feeling of taking the first step away from solid ground making her lightheaded.  “Do you want to make demands on my time?”

Jayne didn’t trust her voice to hold, instead she offered Liara a crooked smile and the briefest of nods.  Liara stood up, walking away from the table and Jayne, a hand on the door she turned back.

“I like to run, no doubt Shiala will insist I have a guard, make sure you’re on it.”

\- - - - - 

Following dinner Liara retired to her room.  Taking her time to unpack her things she tried to let her mind relax.  The tightrope she was on swung precariously, she swallowed her doubt, she owed it to herself to explore this, she’d regret it forever if she didn’t.

She took her time showering, revelling in the pressure and heat of the water.  The staff having made sure her favourite body wash awaited her.  Lavish suds and steam curled around her.  The fluffy towels cocooned her in softness, a tender touch that she simply couldn’t recreate at the university laundrette.  For the first time in a long time, Liara faced herself in the mirror.  The crest moisturiser was a welcome contrast to the warmth of the bathroom.  The cool, smooth texture felt wonderful as she carefully raked her fingers along the ridges and valleys, taking her time to really feel and enjoy the touch.

Her bedside lamp bathed the room in a comforting glow.  Liara let her towel fall to the floor, sighing as the weight of the duvet pressed against her.  Closing her eyes, she focused on her breathing.  Placing a hand on her navel and counting the steady inhalations letting the air circle through her, the buzz of oxygen shivering through every cell.  Goddess she hadn’t been able to connect with herself like this for what felt like a lifetime.  She kept her mind in the present, not wanting to drift to anything outside of what she was experiencing at this exact moment.  This was her time and space; there was no room for worries, for studies, for friends, for Feron or for Jayne.

How long she lay, simply breathing, simply feeling, it didn’t matter.  What mattered was she had found her peace.

**18 th December 2200, 05:55, T’Soni Estate**

Despite Liara’s request Jayne hadn’t asked to be put on the guard list, instead, she simply woke up as she always did and prepared herself for a morning run.  The sun wouldn’t rise for another three hours, head-torches were a must, along with gloves, hat, snood and full length layers.

In the main hallway two uniformed Commandos fidgeted, neither looked pleased by the prospect of running in the cold and dark.  Jayne turned to see Liara nimbly descend the stairs.  Shepard couldn’t help but let her eyes follow the length of Liara’s legs.  Dressed in the deep purple of Abercarne University, the lycra adding highlights and shadows that showed off the sculpted definition of limbs that had ran miles. 

While the two Commandos ran at a respectable distance, flanking Liara, Jayne fell instep, prepared to drop back if her presence wasn’t welcome.  The ground frozen solid, ice crystals danced before their torch beams, breathe clouding before faces.

“You aren’t in uniform,” Liara said.  The pair were fast warming as they followed the flat trail around the perimeter of the woodland, ankles flexing against ruts and grass tufts.

“I’m on the night-watch,” Jayne said, trying to avoid the worst of a hidden puddle, wet feet this early on wouldn’t be pleasant.

“Show me how you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Vanish,” Liara whispered, “show me how you disappear.”  Jayne thought for a moment as they continued to push the pace along the flats.  They turned along the North edge, the dark mass of the hillside a silhouette against the clear night sky.

“Pretty sure your training plan said ‘hill reps’ today,” Jayne said cheerfully.  Taking a sharp right Jayne ploughed directly up the hillside.  Keeping the pace moderate, she focused on acquiring as much knowledge of the landscape as she could from the four bobbing spotlights.  The commando’s hadn’t expected the sudden shift and had drifted off the back of the pair.  As suddenly as it had begun, Jayne turned on her heels and started to race back down.  Liara followed, picking out a trail, despite the dense trunks of the trees the ground was free of scrub making it easy to zigzag a path down the slope.

Jayne hesitated only for a moment at the bottom, allowing the Commando’s to reappear before sprinting back up the slope.  Pushing a little harder Jayne listened carefully for tell-tale sound of laboured breathing.

“Turn off your torch when I say,” Shepard muttered as they waited for the Commando’s to reach the bottom of the second rep.  This time the Asari anticipated they were going up again and were already leading the charge up the slope.  Watching the pools of torch light weave up the hill Jayne smiled to herself, predictability gets you killed.  “Now,” she whispered.

Grabbing Liara’s hand Jayne tore a path between the first rows of trees.  The slither of the waning crescent giving enough light.  Small, fast steps skittered across the blanket of pine needles; they didn’t stop until they reached the beach.  Even in the dim light, Jayne could see Liara smiling with the thrill of the chase. 

For a moment they just stood, catching their breath.  Hand in hand watching the navigation buoys in the estuary blink, listing heavily to one side as the tide ripped through.  The searchlights on the towers of the Alliance training camp swaying back and forth, Jayne’s old life a world apart from her present.

“We’ve got a lot of talking to do, haven’t we?”  Liara said her voice as delicate as the silence.

“And a lot of listening.”  Jayne felt a squeeze of her hand, Liara’s gloved fingers still entwined with hers.

“It won’t be easy will it?”

“Probably not, four years is a long time, we aren’t the same people we were.”

“Somethings don’t change though, do they?”  Liara turned to face Jayne.  Before they ended up caught in a complicated web, untangling one another in the hope of finding, something.  Liara had to know.  Her free hand gripping Jayne’s collar, a gentle tug and Liara let herself fall into the kiss she’d been longing for.

Both were grateful of the darkness for hiding their blush when Liara pulled away. 

“Sorry,” she muttered, “I just, before things get complicated with talking, I wanted to know what we were working to get back to,”  Liara hesitated, she hadn’t pulled herself away from Jayne’s orbit, “whether it was friendship or, something more.”

“Did you get your answer?”

Liara stepped away, not letting go of the hand in hers as they started to crunch along the pebbles back to the house.

“I think so.”


	9. Dedication

**23 rd December 2200, 02:45, T’Soni Estate**

Slumping into a chair Jayne rested her head on the pillow of her forearms, grateful for the support of the table in the Commando commons.  Her eyes itched with tiredness and her feet ached from hours spent standing.  The winter vacation was a busy period at the T’Soni Estate.  While Christmas may not have been the focal point, celebrating Earth’s New Year provided the perfect opportunity to ‘play the game.’  The T’Soni ball was the talk of the Citadel and Thessia.  The great and the good of high Asari society wore their invite from Councillor Benezia as a badge of honour.  The House in turn, paid their respects by ensuring all attendees were personally escorted to the Estate by members of the House Guard. 

Shepard had hardly stepped foot in the grounds since getting back from her run with Liara.  She couldn’t count the number of relay jumps she’d made in the past few days.  Or how many hours she’d spent stood at parade rest watching matriarchs, matrons and maidens swan about in flowing gowns aboard the corvette.

The ship was currently being refuelled and resupplied, in a matter of hours Jayne would be jetting off once more, this time to the Citadel.  A final ferry run to collect the Councillor, her aids and a few final guests.

Jayne wasn’t entirely sure where her mind had drifted to when she jerked awake, or how long she’d been out.  A second?  An hour?  Running a hand through her hair, she looked around.

Sofia stood nervously in the doorway, clutching at her stuffed toy krogan.  Her pyjamas looked a little dishevelled and cheeks glistened with tears.  She sniffled as her fingers kneaded the squishy mass in her hands.

“Hey tiny, what’s up?”  Jayne said softly, her voice croaking with tiredness.  She was already on her feet lifting Sofia into her arms.  The young Asari instantly clinging onto Jayne, head nestling into the warmth of the Human’s neck.

“Scary dream,” Sofia managed to sob out, the spectres of her nightmare still lingering.  Jayne held her a little tighter and started to climb the stairs out of the basement.

“Shall we go and patrol your bedroom, make sure there are no monsters?”  Jayne felt Sofia’s grip tighten and the girl shake her head.  “Okay, we’ll go and see if the fires still lit in the library, we can make a snuggle fort.”

\- - - - - 

_My Little Sister,_

_I think about you so much.  I’d never tell you that I thought of you as the little sister I never had.  Who knows if I would have remained an only child had the war not come.  All I know is that from the moment we met you stole my heart.  You tapped into a part of me that desperately wanted to protect you from the world.  To make sure you were never tainted by the darker side of life.  That you always felt safe._

_At times you were the only thing that kept me sane.  During long training exercises or on missions, trapped in horrendous conditions for days, maybe weeks on end.  I thought of you.  I tried to look at the world through your eyes, I tried to remember the tiny details that would intrigue you._

_When I’d get back, kit stowed and freshly showered, I’d sit down and write to you.  It helped to lessen any hurt.  Just to have that moment where I focused only on the positives, only on the things that I knew would make you smile._

_You have a wonderful gift for bringing joy and excitement.  I love our adventures, exploring new places and discovering hidden secrets.  When I swore to protect the galaxy, I thought it meant in terms of maintaining peace and stability.  Now I realise that I’ve spent my whole life readying myself to defend your curiosity._

_I never want you to lose that excitement.  The awe and wonder with which you experience life.  Hold onto that for as long as you can.  There is so much out there to inquire, to experiment, to ponder and to muse._

_I will guard your right to question to the hilt._

Liara jumped at the sound of the door being opened.  Sleep was one of the first things to elude her, she’d become accustomed to operating on the fragments of snatched and fitful dreaming. 

Watching Jayne carefully manoeuvres herself into the room, Liara unraveled the threads.  She sees the tiredness that pulls at Shepard’s features, the stiffness in her gait.  She wonders when Jayne last took off her leathers, or untied her boots.

Shepard turns, breath catching in surprise, she hadn’t expected anyone to be here.  Sofia’s eyelids are already falling heavily, her weight increasing as the tension slips from her tiny form, melting into Jayne’s chest.  Tentatively Jayne lowered herself onto the sofa opposite Liara’s.  Trying her best to shuffle into a comfortable position without waking the sleeping Asari

“Sorry, I didn’t know anyone would be here,” Jayne offered once she’d got settled.  Lying along the length, one foot on the ground while the other hung over the far armrest avoiding putting her boots on the furniture.  Sofia stayed tucked safely between the back of the couch and Jayne’s body, soft snuffles escaping as the girl slept on.

“It’s fine, did she have another nightmare?”

“Yeah, are they a thing?”

“Yes,” Liara nodded, “increasingly frequent, she’s started to ask more about her parents too, I think Shiala is finding it hard to give the right answers.”

Jayne sighed as she considered Liara’s words, often there were no right answers. 

“I can’t imagine how difficult it is for her, I know it can’t be easy, but the fact she’s asking is a good thing.”  Liara raised an eyebrow marking.  With a hint of reservation Jayne continued, “she feels safe enough to ask.  The nightmares, she’s trying to process whatever memories she has and reconcile them with her place in her new family.  It’s a good thing, but also pretty scary.”

“You know she thinks the world of you?”

“The feeling is mutual.”  Their voices were nothing more than whispers, barely louder than the crackling of the fire.

“She asks about you, and your parents, well your father,” Liara’s words were tentative.

“I’ll answer as honestly as I can.  I know she wanted me to write about my Dad, but I can’t, it’s too much.  Everything else, I can swallow past the jagged edges but not him.”

Liara unfurled herself, silently crossing the room, managing to find enough space to perch next to Jayne.  Her fingers pushed back the hairs that fall across the side of Shepard’s face.

“I’m sorry I hurt you Liara, everything got too much.”

“I know,” while Liara’s touch soothed them both, she wasn’t all together honest with her motivation, “Jayne, I have to tell you something.”  Shepard looked up, trying to read the look on Liara’s face in the flickering light of the fire.  “I want to be open and honest, to try and understand everything but parts of me are going to push back against you.”

Shepard simply nodded, she’d been here before, many times.

“The other thing is,” Liara felt the air solidify in her lungs, she didn’t have the courage to look at Jayne as she spoke, “I’m seeing someone.”

Jayne caught the edge of her tongue between her teeth, hoping the tension would prevent her emotions from showing.  Suddenly the fingertips in her hair felt harsh, the echo of nails catching her scalp too loud.  She tried to breath into her feelings, let them wash over her rather than reacting.  She didn’t have the right to be hurt or upset, she’d been the one who left after all.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“What else can I say Liara?”  Jayne give a hint of a shrug, “we’ve agreed we have a lot to talk about, I don’t know what this person brings to your life,” Jayne spoke honestly, adding quietly, “I’m not sure I want to.”

“I’m not sure either,” Liara was fighting back the tears that prickled her eyes, “it is only recently I’ve felt able to think about you, I’m struggling with a lot of conflict.”

“I know,” Jayne gently removed Liara’s hand from her hair, holding those delicate blue fingers in her own.  “I’m grateful you’re giving me the chance to come back into your life Liara.”

“I don’t know what conclusion I’m going to reach at the end of this.”

“The one that’s right for you.”

 

**24 th December 2200, 09:55, T’Soni Estate**

Wrapping a scarf around her neck and stuffing the tails into her coat, Liara gathered her things and walked through the house.  In the hallway her Father stood, directing staff as they rushed to keep the plethora of guests happy.

“Off out?”  Aethyta enquired.

“Last minute gift buying,” Liara replied, shouldering her satchel.

“For a certain member of the Guard?”  Liara felt her cheeks tinge purple, Aethyta lay a hand on her shoulder, “are you okay?”

“Maybe,” Liara sighed, “in time I’m sure I will feel less confused, maybe even find some peace.”

“She still loves you.”

“Indeed,” Liara mumbled, thrusting her hands in her pockets, “but things are complicated.”

“Feron?”

Liara nodded.  Turning away from her Father she heaved open the front door and stepped into the cold.

\- - - - - 

The crisp, dry air seemed to lift the weight from Liara’s shoulders.  Feet crunching on the cold earth, she let the rhythm ease the turmoil of her mind.  Cutting through the woodland walks to town she marvelled at the spikes of ice that grew day by day, decorating the trees with magic and sparkle.  Sighing, she pushed away the stress, there simply wasn’t any point in worrying.  She was overjoyed to see Jayne again, regardless of what the future held that Human would always be dear to her heart and there was no use in denying it.

Letting herself smile Liara mentally ran through the shops on the high street.  Her options were limited but she really wanted to give Jayne something. 

Town was surprisingly busy.  The bright morning bringing out the last-minute shoppers.  Moving past the window displays, Liara pondered each offering, her breath steaming the glass.  The Christmas lights strung between buildings twinkled and danced.  It was good to be surrounded by so many cheerful souls, over excited children’s singsong chorus shimmering in the air.  In the main square the Alliance band struck up the first of their Christmas repertoire.  Notes chasing themselves around the square, the melancholic muse of the French horns split by the sharp command of snare drums.  As the tangle of notes harmonised, Liara knew.

The small bookshop in the corner of the square, Goddess she hadn’t been in here for years.  The staff had changed but the layout and atmosphere remained constant.  A hotchpotch of bookcases crammed into the tiny corridor of a space.  Every available surface was packed with books old and new.  Genres stretched across centuries and species she’d spent many an hour lost in faraway worlds here.

Her fingers slipped over spines as she furrowed her brow, they had to have it.

“Can I help you Miss?”

Liara looked up, startled at being approached, the young human smiled warmly, she can’t have been more than sixteen.

“Oh yes, actually, I’m looking for a particular book, _Whispers in the Shadows,_ by S. Hanson.”

“It doesn’t ring a bell but I can have a look on the system for you.”

Liara followed the girl back through the store to the crooked table that served as a till.  The assistant typed in the details.  She frowned.

“I’m sorry, there’s no record of a book published with those details, could you be mistaken?”

Liara felt a cloud of confusion settle over her brow.  She flipped open her satchel and pulled out the book, handing it to the Assistant. 

“Here, this is it, I was gifted a copy and wanted to buy one for a friend, it definitely exists.”

The girl turned the slim volume over in her hands, before she’d even opened the cover she already knew the answer.  No reference number of publishing house hallmark, no guide price, choice reviews or date.  Looking at the first few pages the girl felt the weight of her knowledge press her voice to a whisper.

“I’m sorry Liara, this was printed just for you.”

With trembling hands Liara took back the book, she stared blankly at it.

“I. . . How do you know my name?”  Her voice faltering.

“The dedication.” The girl replied simply.

Liara pulled back the front cover, a single blank page and then, clear as day, two words that explained it all. 

_To Liara._

Numb, Liara stumbled out of the shop, lightheaded she just about made it to a bench.  Closing her eyes, she let the swell of the band fill her body.  It wasn’t until she opens them again that she realises she’s crying.  Wiping her face on the sleeve of her coat, she thumbs through the pages until she found what a part of her had always known was there. 

_Liara,_

_I owe you it all.  The whole convoluted journey.  Maybe in time you will allow me to show you every detail of where I’ve been.  All the twists and turns that gave me the time and space to heal and grow.  For now.  The beginning._

_You are perfect.  The day you threw a half smile in my direction was the day I knew I’d fall in love with you.  My thoughts consumed by a single desire to see it again, to have you smile, and for it to only be for me._

_In eighteen years of living I had never felt accepted or free.  You held me close, never in judgement, calming my chaos with gentle words whispered into the darkest of my shadows.  I clung to you.  I had never taken anyone to those places, I had never shared the full extent of the horror that hid inside.  Not once did you flinch.  Instead, you loved me._

_The day of the attack my only thoughts were of you.  A terror so raw tore my soul ragged.  I could have lost it all.  That fear is what drove me._

_Please understand, if I had stayed, cocooned by your affection I wouldn’t have survived.  I would have lived in constant dread of the beasts that prowled, lurking between the lines, waiting to strike.  It would have destroyed us._

_I needed to leave to face myself.  I needed to stride into my darkness and drown every last corner in light.  I had to know.  I needed that space to properly heal._

_When I promised you all of me I didn’t know what all of me meant.  In some respects, I have a lot still to learn but I now know my depths.  There is nothing within myself that will leave me broken._

_I’m sorry I had to leave you to do this.  I’m sorry that I ripped us apart.  I’m sorry I was selfish.  Believe me when I say, it was never with malice or hateful intent.  I was doing the best I could._

_Returning to your anger, it was deserved.  Not once had I given you the opportunity to vent your frustration or hold me accountable for your pain.  I accept all of it.  You are just and right in how you feel and how you expressed it.  It will be the last time I ever take your kindness for granted._

_I was never short-sighted enough to place my happiness in your acceptance.  I went on this journey for me.  Every day, and when the days dragged so minutes felt like hours, I thought of you.  I was doing this for me, so I could come back to you._

_I have never stopped loving you Liara.  Rather than sadness, I take comfort in the knowledge that no matter what comes of us, part of me will forever and always be reserved for you._

_Maybe one day, I will be able to ask you to dance again.  That, without hesitation, you will slip your hand into mine and we will lose ourselves in the music and each other._

_While I’ve accepted who I am and understand the person I want to become.  I also accept that our wants and needs have changed, that maybe we won’t find what we seek within the other._

_All I hope for is that I am._

_That I am enough for you._

_Jayne_


	10. Secret Smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Sorry for the delay, life has been. . .Testing. This chapter is short as I needed to just get back into things, with any luck normal service will resume shortly. I haven't forgotten you all and I do very much appreciate the continued support and encouragement. There will probably be typos and such like as my attention to detail is a little stunted at the moment, please be gentle while I find my feet again.
> 
> LtLime23

**24 th December 2200, 13:30, Citadel**

Jayne experienced a momentary flutter of freefall before her boot hit the ground.  The slam of rubber on steel brought the world crashing into sharp focus as she jerked awake.

“Back with the living are we tiger?”  Naomi laughed.

Shepard discretely checked herself for any signs of stray drool, rubbing her face with her hands and suppressing a yawn.

“How long was I out?”

“The whole flight, we’ve just had clearance from Citadel control.”

The ache in Jayne’s joints hadn’t eased a jot, she winced as she rose from the co-pilot seat.

“Perfect timing then,” Jayne said, this time unable to stop the yawn that engulfed her face.

Rolling her eyes, Naomi focused on guiding the corvette into land.  They’d be on the ground a matter of minutes, just long enough to load passengers, their luggage and refuel.

Snatching up a datapad Jayne left the helm.  Straightening her leathers, she nodded to the two other commandos on duty.  The lurch of the ship as the maglocks engaged, reminded Shepard she really needed to eat.  As the airlock opened with a hiss, all three straightened themselves.

T’Soni teal licked out across the gangway, the clutch of passengers gathered at its furthest point.  As her colleagues took their stations either side of the airlock, assault rifles in hand, Jayne strode purposefully into the conditioned air of the Citadel.

Councillor Benezia stood in deep conversation with a number of Matriarchs, Jayne scanned the datapad rosta, memorising the names and faces.  A little further back two Maidens and a Drell were talking easily, their bags resting at their feet.  Before Jayne could offer much more thought she found herself bundled into a tight hug.

“Jayne,” Benezia hushed into Shepard’s ear, “it’s so good to see you in T’Soni colours again.”  The Councillor held Jayne by the shoulders, looking her up and down like a proud Aunt.  Cheeks blushing, Jayne couldn’t help but return the warm smile.

“It feels good to be back,” Jayne admitted.  Realising they were under the studious gaze of the Matriarchs the pair parted, Jayne straightening herself, “Councillor we only have a short time before our departure slot…”

Jayne didn’t need to the finish, Benezia sweeping her guests in a wide smile and gesturing towards the ship, as if their moment of closeness hadn’t happened the Councillor allowed herself to be lost in the conversation again.  After a glance at their retreating backs Jayne turned her attention to the last remaining passengers.  The trio picking up their bags and walking towards the ship.  The two Maidens were Shiala’s replacements, acolytes to the Councillor, Jayne had briefly read their dossiers but in truth her attention was elsewhere.  Nodding a greeting to the pair, Jayne relaxed noting Benezia was safely aboard. 

A whisper of a cold breeze made Shepard shiver, an itch at the base of her skull, as though a cold drip had infiltrated her warmth.  Her brain instantly flared, weight shifting to the balls of her feet, body tense and ready.  But for what?  Scanning the docking bay there was no sign of movement, the C-Sec security team, both uniformed and stealth were all in place.  The scuff of footsteps approaching snapped through Jayne’s consciousness.  The Drell had already hurried past her, head down, shoulders hunched, gait lopsided as he fought to counterbalance the weight of his bag.  Watching as he made his way up the gangway to the welcoming glow of the airlock Jayne felt her world shrink inwards.  Wet locks of hair cling to her face, unmoving in the darkness, the sound of the rain in the puddles flooding through her.  Her mind’s eye conjuring up the scene in explicit detail, in that moment Jayne was reliving the first time she’d seen that silhouette, hurrying against the weather through the darkened streets of Illium.

Jaw clenched, Jayne looked at the datapad in her hand; _Feron, Drell, guest of Heiress T’Soni._

Fuck.

**25 th December 2200, 08:45, T’Soni Estate**

“By the Goddess what did you think you were doing!”  Liara’s breathing was ragged, she could have sworn she’d just run ten ‘k’ at threshold if it wasn’t for the tremors of anger that ripped through her.

“Merry Christmas to you too.”

“Aria!” Liara snapped, “this is not funny, I can’t believe you allowed me to be manipulated in such a way, after everything. . .”

“Liara, calm the fuck down,” Aria’s voice suffering a slight distortion across the vidlink, “look, Jayne was in bits after you blew her out, she got in touch just before Janiris and asked me to give you the book.”

“Did you know what it was?”  Liara snapped, arms crossed, stance defiant.

“I, er, well. . .” Aria trailed off.

“Aria?”  Liara’s tone dangerous across clenched teeth.  Liara watched her friend throw up her hands in defeat.

“Yes, okay, I knew what it was, I knew what she was trying to do.”

“What do you mean?  ‘What she was trying to do?’”

“She was trying to explain,” Aria stated in exasperation, “she never gave up on you Li, she wanted to explain all of it to you but knew you were hurting too much to even contemplate seeing her.”

“She didn’t even try!”  Liara spat back, her own ears telling her how childish she sounded.

“You know very well that isn’t true Liara, you didn’t open a single one of her letters, you refused to make contact.”

“I wasn’t ready,” Liara said, slumping into her chair.

“Now that is a different matter,” Aria stated kindly, “Li, I wouldn’t have given it to you if I didn’t think it was time.”

“Why did you think you had the right Aria?”

“Because sometimes friendship means telling you the hard truths you don’t want to hear.”

“What truths would they be then, oh wise Acolyte.”

“Li,” Aria raised an eyebrow, “sarcasm doesn’t suit you,” despite it all Liara couldn’t help but smile, “look, we both know Feron isn’t the one.”

“How do you know?  Are you in my head?”

“He’s your fucking dealer!  And the only person who has ever been in your head, and the only person who should ever be in your head is Jayne.”  Liara looked down at her hands that were fiddling with the hem of her shirt.  Aria continued, “you two are made for each other Li.  I know she hurt you, she didn’t leave out of spite or malice, she left so she could come back to you and give you all of her.”

Liara felt the wetness of her tears as they slid silently down her cheek.

“I’ve missed her so much.”

“I know.”

“I just want to fall into her.”

“Then why don’t you?”

“Because. . .”

“Stop being stubborn and just tell her.” 

\- - - - -

Despite not having eaten more than a protein bar Jayne didn’t feel hungry in the slightest.  Her shoulder wedged her against the airlock as she stared, unseeing, out of the hatch, watching the final approach to the House landing pad.  Stomach knotted, she chewed on the side of her tongue as she thought about Liara and Feron.  The Drell had remained quiet throughout the flight, only occasionally engaging in quiet conversation with the Acolytes and other staff.  Jayne had found herself following his profile, etching his appearance into her memory, arrogantly wondering what it was Liara saw in him. 

Kicking herself she tried to find the answers to the more pertinent question of why Liara’s boyfriend had been buying drugs on Illium?  Why she’d been set up to watch and how on Earth it all linked back to the Batarian Ambassador.  Nothing added up, the more she thought about it the more difficult it got to see the wood for the trees.

Shaken awake from her musings by the jerk of the ship landing, Jayne pulled herself upright, an action that was becoming increasingly hard to do.  The chill of the afternoon air slipped icy fingers into her mind as Jayne took up her sentry at the bottom of the gangway.

She silently observed the passengers disembarking, House staff making short work of unloading baggage and cargo.  Aethyta and Benezia were allowed a chaste embrace before the formalities of hosting Asari high society saw them return to a respectable distance, the sparkle in both their eyes speaking volumes.

Jayne watched as Liara approached the Corvette, bundled in a warm coat, the collar framing delicate features, slender legs disappearing into fur lined boots.  Swallowing hard, Jayne closed her eyes for a moment to steady herself.  In the course of her military training and her assignments with the cadre Jayne had witnessed a lot of uncomfortable scenes.  She’d suffered, she’d been cold and wet for days on end, hot, smothered in sand and sweat, wedged in confined spaces for hours waiting for the perfect shot.  She’d hobbled for twenty kilometres on a broken ankle, burnt and buckled her body and mind.  None of it came even remotely close to the anticipation of having to see the love of her life embrace someone else.

Maybe it was morbid curiosity, Jayne couldn’t help but watch as Liara slipped into Feron’s arms, the Drell allowed to place a gentle kiss on a cheek.  As he pulled Liara close Jayne felt the dryness of winter catch in her throat.  A dagger slipping between ribs to the hilt as she viewed such a simple action.  The vertigo of her heart aching nearly causing her to sink to her knees.

With her chin resting on Feron’s shoulder, Liara’s face was unreadable, features passive, the hint of a furrow in her brow.  As the Asari raised her gaze to lock eyes with Jayne, Shepard’s heart stopped.  Their worlds falling away, the very air seemed to stir and pulse to the beat of their hearts.  Whispers of calls and answers, Jayne felt the tug on her chest, needing all her will power to stop herself stepping forward.  The unspoken connection they shared burning bright, a gravity that pulled, a love that had never faltered.

Liara’s mouth curved into a smile that flooded her whole being, not simply her eyes, a smile Jayne knew well.  A smile that was reserved only for her.


	11. Between Bars and Bows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for the delay, getting back on my feet. Your kind words have been truly humbling during what has been a very testing time. So. . .onwards!
> 
> This Chapter comes with recommended listening for the bit by the lake: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgqOSCgc8xc

**31** ** st ** **December 2200,** **13:30** **T’Soni** **Estate**

"The Republic simply will not stand for this!"

"The Republic is on its knees; the entire galactic community is on its knees. We still only have the vaguest communications with the Terminus and who knows what is beyond the vail."  Benezia found the willpower to stop pacing.  Striding through her office in precise oblongs had become a habit over the past few days.  She was loathed to entertain even half the matriarchs who had taken a seat in the leather wing-backed chair.  However, needs must.  With the world as it was, bridges had to be built not burnt.  Turning back to her desk the Councillor picked up her cup, narrowly avoiding a wince as she drank the cold remains of the tea gifted by her companion, hibiscus really wasn't her preference.

"Are you genuinely telling me the Council will happily turn its back on this economic crisis?"

Benezia pinched the bridge of her nose.

"With all due respect Matriarch, the Council has far greater obstacles to overcome.  I have heard and understood your concerns, however, the relative success or failure of your tea emporium is not the responsibility of the Citadel Council.  We are working hard to secure trade routes both in terms of providing transports and security.  C-Sec and Council backed militia are doing their upmost but we live in difficult times. . ."

"Three in five!" The Matriarch stood up suddenly, squaring across the space, eyes flaring, "three in five transports are attacked by pirates,  _Batarian_  pirates, hundreds of thousands of credits literally gone up in smoke and the Council isn't concerned? Ha! I thought you had more sense."

"There is no evidence of the Batarian's involvement," Benezia countered.

"Other than the TUF claiming responsibility for each and every one?" The Matriarch shot back, arms folded against her chest.

Benezia tried not to sigh. "The Terminus United Front have laid claim to all sorts of incidents from ram raids on the Citadel to the kidnap of orphaned children, none of which have turned out to be true."

"The Council don't take the TUF seriously."

"The Council take the TUF  _very_  seriously."

Stoney silence fell between the pair.  This wasn't the first such conversation Benezia had entertained.  While the New Year break in chambers offered an opportunity to rest and recuperate, ultimately it gave the whole of Thessia the chance to petition the Councillor.  As it turned out the whole of Thessia would rather Citadel space did not reconnect with the Terminus system.  With the latest round of relay repairs complete the phase three strategy was open to debate.  Resources were still limited and the long-term plan for rebuilding the relay network continued to be a political hot potato.  There were pro's and con's to most relay junctions but it was getting harder and harder to oppose the re-link to Terminus space, particularly the Omega nebulae.  Eezo was in high demand and mining the asteroids of Omega presented an attractive opportunity.  However, the Terminus had been on its own for nearly a decade, there was no telling what they would find on the other side.  

Benezia shook her head trying to settle the ringing in her ears, the sooner she could get back to chambers the better.

"As I say, I have heard and understood your concerns and will relay them to the Council, as necessary."

The Matriarch knew better than to argue, she bowed her head in polite acknowledgement of her dismissal.

Benezia perched on the edge of her desk, shoulders slumping and blew out a long breath.

"Was that the last one?  Tell me it was the last one."

"Yes Councillor," Anita spoke softly from her position on the far side of the room.  Shrouded in shadows she and her sister Chloe were forever present, as acolytes should be.

"Good, please take your leave, Goddess knows you've both earnt an afternoon off and you must prepare for this evening."

As the door closed softly, Benezia pushed herself from her makeshift seat and turned silently to a cabinet.  For a moment only the sound of brandy being decanted into a cut glass tumble filled the space.  Returning to her desk she turned her chair to face the fire, losing herself to the flames.

"What are your thoughts?"

"We have heard the same story but little evidence, nothing we have found so far indicates the TUF are anything more than a band of thieves for want of a better term."

Benezia nodded, motioning her hand towards the fire.  Jayne stepped forward.  She had stood sentry in the shadows, hidden behind the cheerful dance of the flames.  Resting an elbow on the hearth Benezia saw the wariness in the young woman's actions.

"Yet here we are."

"Indeed, but still nothing makes sense," an edge of frustration catching Jaynes words.  She drew a steadying breath. "Councillor," she hesitated, "Benezia, there is something I need to ask." Benezia fixed Jayne with a curious look, the turmoil evident in Shepard's eyes.  Jayne looked at the floor, not sure she could believe she was even daring to voice these words, "is, do you know," stumbling, Jayne shook herself standing up straight and meeting Benezia's gaze.  "Is Liara taking drugs?"

It was Benezia's turn to look away, the heat from the fire pressing against her face as she stared into the flames.  No longer a comfort their whip smart tongues mocked her shame.  What kind of a Mother was she?  How could she have failed her little girl so?  With a resigned sigh, the Councillor nodded, draining her glass.

"Yes, I don't know what, but yes.  There were discussions as to whether we should step in or not, intervene. . ."

"It would have pushed her further away," Jayne stated, her voice echoing Benezia's sadness.

"Yes, and now Feron is a permanent fixture, I really should make the effort to get to know him now she has finally brought him home."

Jayne furrowed her brow, "you haven't met him before?"

Benezia shook her head, "no, Shiala did all the usual checks of course but Liara hasn't brought him to the Estate until now."

\------------

The T'Soni New Year Ball had become the stuff of legend.  Long before the Reaper war the jewel in the Thessian crown was an invite to the spectacle.  While the ball now coincided with the Earth New Year it seemed as though a little chunk of Thessia had shoehorned its way into the British countryside.  The extravagance of the occasion disguising the scars of war for one night.  The House was a hive of activity hundreds of guests coming and going dressed in their finery.  The chasm of a marquee that took up most of the East Lawn was the real venue.  Deep drapes of shimmering fabric hung between struts flowing like the ocean across the ceiling.  Hundreds of tiny hovering fairy lights floated, diamonds twinkling and casting the space in a soft warm glow.  The band took up their position at the far end their hesitant plucks rippled the expectant air.  At exactly 21:00 they took up chords and melodies, luring guests to the dance floor with intoxicating rhythms.

Jayne crunched across the gravel towards the marquee.  The December air rising in a cloud as she gathered herself.  The last time she'd been in this situation her officer whites had been the obvious choice.  This evening she'd had to go off piste, black patent leather boots, ending in a point, three silver buckles shining up the sides, black trousers, fitting just as they should and a black shirt, rolled to the elbow.  A silk cravat in T'Soni teal the logical accessory.  Jayne's fingers however, lingered on her belt buckle, a gift from Shiala, the house crest in pewter. 

Pushing back any reservations and a hand through her hair, Jayne strode into the packed marquee.  Already in full swing the space was a mass of swaying bodies in a sea of dazzling fabrics.  Shepard headed to the bar, a glass in her hand sure to steady her nerves, though perhaps not her heart. 

Drink in hand, Jayne rested an elbow on the bar, joined almost immediately by one of the other House Guard, Shepard didn't hear a word that was being spoken.  The notes of the band needled into her mind, heart swelling and soaring with the rise and fall of bows over strings.  Chest tightening the air in her lungs suddenly solidifying.  Liara, in a gown of midnight blue, cruised across the dance floor, Feron, sweeping her delicate form to the ebb and flow of the music.  Feet skimming across the wooden floor, the flat of a hand finding the curve of a waist, strong fingers laced in those of fragile blue.  Between the bars Jayne felt her heart cascade with the timbre of fleeting touches, subtle gestures, moments that should have been hers.  The spirit she held between her teeth and tongue didn't burn nearly as much as the tears that threatened to spill.  

On the dance floor Liara felt her head spin.  Fingertips digging a little harder into Feron's shoulder, his scent suddenly suffocating.  The flow of the dance, turning and diving giving her vertigo.  Her world had frozen at the sight of Jayne, breath catching.  Stumbling through the dance, hoping Feron didn't notice her body stutter.  Physically present her mind had fled to dancing with her Corporal, lost in one another, the dress whites matching the crisp linen of the sheets as they'd made love for the first time.   

The momentary silence brought Liara back to her senses.  A pause, the beast readying itself, prowling, then, the band struck up once more.  She didn't hear, her world had shrunk to the space her and Jayne currently occupied as their eyes met.  A gentle pull on her wrist, Feron, a look of concern.  She nodded and smiled, allowing herself to be pulled away, a glance over her shoulder to see Jayne had vanished.

\--------- 

"But I want to stay up!"

"No way pyjak, bedtime," Jayne swept Sofia up into her arms, the Asari, despite her protests having fallen asleep in front of the library fire.  

"Can I at least have a story?" 

Jayne deftly pulled back the bedcovers, lowering Sofia into the waiting embrace of her mattress, pillows and cuddly toys.  Sitting on the edge of the bed she tucked the duvet under the girls chin.

"Go on then, what story do you want?"

"Tell me about your Dad, what was he like?"

Jayne tried not to let the flicker of her jaw show as she tensed.  Thankful for the darkness she focused on steadying herself.  Drawing strength from the tiny Asari next to her, so desperate in her quest to comprehend what she'd never known.  Hoping Sofia would forgive the crack in her voice, Shepard poured out her heart.  She relived her memories, trying to paint the world as vividly as she could, she spoke of the comfort and safety her Father had wrapped her in.  How he always smelt like mint and rain, a freshness like the first storm of summer.  The texture of his stubble and the feel of his hair against her palm when he'd carry her on his shoulders, towering like giants.  She whispered into the darkness long after Sofia's breathing had become steady and heavy.  Trusting this tiny being with all of him, and all of her.

Grabbing a hoodie from her room Jayne took the stairs two at a time, head down and walking quickly out of the house and across the lawn.  The clear sky sent the galaxy sprawling as she looked to the heavens.  Ignoring the call of the dancers, there was only one place Shepard wanted to be.

The stones in her hand grounded her as they always did.  Echoes of her memories disturbing the mirror of stars as Jayne sent each one skimming across the surface of the lake.  How far had she come since she was last here?  So far but then, maybe she hadn't taken a single step.

A gentle touch on her elbow cut through the static. 

"Liara. . ."

"Jayne."

Fingers providing familiar anchors to one another, the gentle touch of foreheads.  Whispers between lips to avoid shattering their stillness.

"Why?" Shepard asked, the sadness and concern that resonated Jayne's heart voicing the unspoken question.

"I can't meld," even in the dim light cast by a thousand stars the streaks of tears were clear as day.  

"Goddess I'm sorry," Jayne breathed.  Sorry hardly came close and they both knew it.  The heartbreak between them engulfing both souls into the emptiness previously Liara had only lived in alone.

"Paradise lets me find an element of myself." 

Shepard nodded, she understood.

"How can I help you heal?"

Liara slipped her hands around Jayne, letting her palms follow familiar contours, stepping in close and resting her head on the chest she called home.  Shepard pulled her tight, dropping her head, cheeks brushing.  Turning her head Liara pressed her lips to Jayne's ear.

"Dance with me."


	12. Deception

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello,
> 
> Your eyes are not deceiving you, I have indeed _finally_ updated this story. I know, I know, it's short but how about we go for little and often? You are all incredibly patient for which I am grateful. 
> 
> Anyway. . . enjoy.

**3 rd January 2201, 06:45, Thessia**

At this time of day, at this time of year Thessia was nearly always shrouded in mist.  The delicate droplets suspended in the air, a soft cover which the first touch of dawn rays would quickly burn off.  Before that though, in the slack water just before the cresting sun, when the hues of the land and sky merged to deep purples with a lick of pink, the mist hung still.  As the world held its breath waiting for the new day, Jayne sat motionless.  The height of the bluff meant the mist hung low, rolling through the streets below, only the tallest buildings poking their heads above.  A spectacular view that Shepard was almost blind to.  Her thoughts elsewhere, tumbling over one another as she sought to find the logical thread.  A similar fog swept her mind, nothing making sense, the only certainty the ache in her heart for Liara.

A breaking twig snapped through Jayne’s thoughts. Turning, she offered a small smile to her companion, grateful Sasha had been kind enough to announce her approach.  The Commando taking her place silently next to Shepard, the pale rose of the sunrise highlighting her profile, her skin breathing a sheen where the moist air clung to soft scales. 

“I still come here.”

“You always said the view of the Thessian dawn made you feel whole.”

“It is different without you.” Shepard turned, catching the gentle smile of the Asari.  “But, still just as beautiful.”  Sasha turned to meet Jayne’s gaze, her smile and her words genuine, “anyway,” she continued, “enough poetic distraction, where are we at?”

“Drugs, Batarians and Asari high society.”

“No change then.”

Shepard shifted uneasily, “a major change.”

Sasha caught the tension that pulled across Jayne’s shoulders, her own brow furrowing.

“What is it?” She asked cautiously.

“The Drell from Illium, his name is Feron, the drugs, Paradise, it’s for Liara, he’s her dealer and her boyfriend.”

Sasha instantly stiffened, her thoughts racing as she slotted this information into place.  She swallowed before speaking again, hoping her emotions wouldn’t show.

“What’s next?”

“I’m serving the House as Councillor Benezia’s personal Guard, I leave for the Citadel shortly.  The Cadre have cleared you to work with me, I need you on Earth, follow him, find out who his supplier is.  The transport manifests show he’s only even travelled to Illium once.”

Sasha shook her head, “he’s in deep and he doesn’t even know it.”

“Exactly, whoever ‘they’ are, have no hesitation in topping those who are…surplus to requirements.”

An awkward silence fell between the pair, the unspoken realisation, edges sharp, catching against the calm.

“Did you talk?” 

Jayne nodded, “yeah, small steps.”

“What does she know?”

“Nothing.”

“Shepard. . .Jayne, if Liara. . .” Sasha faltered.

“I know,” Shepard said gruffly, “keep him safe.”

 

**5 th January 2201, 14:30, Abercarne**

Liara’s breath rose in rushed clouds in front of her face.  The rhythmical puffs adding to the flow of limbs as she ran through the streets of Abercarne.  The pastel shades of the houses vibrant against the battleship grey of the clouds.  The chime of her Omni-tool marked the start of her next interval.  Dipping her head slightly Liara sought to increase her cadence, focusing on the smooth transition of her stride, pushing her hips forward and driving her arms.  Cold air burning her lungs, never had ninety seconds felt so long.  Finally, the end sounded.  Liara eased back, trying to keep control of her breathing before her thirty seconds of rest were up.  The chime always coming too soon.

Over and over she pushed to her limit before pulling herself back.  The very air seeming to thicken with each effort, legs becoming heavy with fatigue.  Still she pushed on.  Turning into the bite of the winter squalls as she rounded onto the seafront, eyes lost to the messy churn of the ocean.  Flecks of spray catching her cheeks the weather only driving her harder.  Liara fought to keep her mind clear, the gnawing whispers of doubt needling into her consciousness as the burn threatened to cripple her thighs.  _You’re weak.  You can’t win.  You’ll never be the best.  You’ll falter, you’ll stumble, why are you even bothering?  Is this pain worth it?_  Clenching her teeth Liara swallowed the doubt and powered into the next interval, mentally working to counter the tide of negativity.  Taking comfort from the hours and hours of consistent training, of eating well, of working hard.  Of winning races.  Liara imagined crossing the finish line, arms raised, she smiled as she scanned the waiting crowd, searching for Jayne.  Finding only Feron.  _Feron, he loves you, he won’t leave you, he’s safe.  Jayne left you once, what if she does it again?  You’re alone in here now, you can’t meld, can’t, Shepard doesn’t do can’t.  She’s a commando now, what if she’s injured? What if she dies?_

The final beep ended the session, Liara heaving forward arms resting on the metal balustrade that circled the sea wall.  Fighting against the quiver of her legs and the knot in her heart.  She closed her eyes, letting the cry of the sea flood through her.

Just like before Liara focused on logic.  Tracing the familiar outline of Jayne, recalling the feel of soft skin, the tenderness of touches, the closeness, the overwhelming love.  Her pulse slowly receding.

“I love her, I’ll heal,” Liara’s muttered words hushed against the wind, she thought about Feron, “I’ll do what I must.”

 

**10 th January 2201, 10:23, Citadel**

“Any proposal needs to be carefully considered.”

“You’ve been ‘carefully considering’ for nearly a decade.”

“These decisions simply cannot be rushed.”

Bray sought to keep his temper, he’d always thought Salarians were skittish little weasels.  Taking a deep breath, his reply cut short as the Turian Councillor interjected.

“Are they always like this?” Shepard muttered out the corner of her mouth.

“Yup,” James confirmed.  The pair stood on the periphery of the room, always observing while seeping into the background.  This was the first of many scheduled negotiating sessions to determine the next round of relay repairs.  Jayne considered ‘negotiation’ might be wishful thinking more than anything else, there didn’t seem to be an ounce of compromise from any of the parties around the table.  As if reading her mind James leaned a little closer.

“It does get better,” he promised, “apparently the general pattern of these things is a month or so of cock fighting while they get it out of their systems.  Followed by progress.  Usually with the Asari rolling their eyes that it took so long.”

Jayne’s shoulders shook as she suppressed a little chuckle.  She sighed and nodded in resignation.  Everything in life had its process and she determined this was simply the way it had been for centuries; her impatience wasn’t going to change that.  Taking her weight on her feet again, Jayne silently slipped into the side room where the various aides were gathered.  Most sat working on terminals, brows furrowed in concentration.  Anita and Chloe sat in a close huddle at a small table, Jayne eased herself into the spare seat.

Asari twins were apparently uncommon, with only a handful born in a century.  Jayne was hard pressed to see any family resemblance, Chloe all soft curves and flow while Anita’s sculpted features gave her an air of mathematical beauty.  As with their appearance, their demeanours also almost polar opposites.  While Chloe was warm and welcoming, Jayne had noted her smile never quite made it to her eyes, a shield always in place.  Her features would often be glossed to reflect what the observer wished to see, Shepard always felt a little uneasy in her presence.

Anita on the other hand, made no effort what so ever to disguise her utter disgust and contempt with Jayne’s existence.  Her strongly held beliefs cementing her feelings that a human entwined so heavily in an Asari great house could only be a bad thing.  Jayne often found a small smile playing on her lips when she and Anita had to interact.  Shepard was grateful she at least knew where she stood with the acolyte, there conversations were always efficient and civil.  Jayne found it amusing that for a creature so desperate to maintain the purity of their species, Anita did an awfully good impression of a British human.

“You look jaded, can I get you a tea?”  Chloe’s whisper of concern accompanied by a touch on the back of Jayne’s hand. 

“Thank you,” Jayne acknowledged, holding her breath as Chloe rose and passed a little closer than necessary behind her.  Another niggle that bristled Shepard.  The acolyte’s insistence on unnecessary touch.  Admittedly Chloe was tactile with everyone but for some reason Jayne couldn’t help the sparks of concern whenever the asari entered her space.

As expected Jayne and Anita sat in silence, both having stopped making attempts at small talk.  Placing three mugs of tea on the table, Chloe settled back into her seat, taking a dramatic first sip.

“I’ll be a matron before that lot make up their minds,” she huffed

“You know that isn’t true Chloe, this is just part of the politics.”  Jayne was glad to see Anita’s clipped tone wasn’t just reserved for her.  Chloe rolled her eyes.

“Of course, but I am allowed a little moan.”

“We’ve been acolytes to Councillor Benezia for a matter of months, I for one will quickly tire of your unnecessary negativity.  This is the way it has been and will always be.”

“You’ve got centuries of this ahead,” Jayne chipped in, taking a sip of her tea to hide her smile, before adding, “kinda glad I only have to hold out for a few decades.”

Anita’s eyes flashed to Shepard’s, the hint of amusement teased between them but was so brief Jayne could have sworn she imagined it.

Setting her mug down, Jayne cleared her throat.

“Anyway, I’ve been meaning to ask you both a question,” she paused, careful to attune her senses to her companions, “how do you both know Feron?”  Another measured sip of her drink, eyebrows raised a little as she looked expectantly over the rip of her cup.

“Oh,” Chloe blinked, her voice as light and sweet as always, “New Year was the first time Liara had brought him to the House, she briefly introduced us.”

Jayne was hardly listening.  She had anticipated Chloe’s response.  Her gaze remained fixed on Anita, the acolyte’s delicate fingers carefully lingering on the handle of her mug.  Their eyes met, the asari raising her tea to her mouth, she held Jayne’s intense gaze without the hint of a falter.  

“Indeed,” Anita finally spoke, voice civil as always, “I had a short conversation with him over breakfast, the usual pleasantries.”

Shepard saw the tiny flicker in Anita’s jaw as she pulled tea through pursed lips.  When her eyes locked with the acolytes she saw the dawning realisation flash through those usually stoic features.

Jayne settled back, allowing the conversation to drift off on a tangent, but the hints of discomfort Anita was working hard to disguise didn’t go un-noticed.  The Asari may have be well versed in the ways of the stiff upper lip but Shepard had known all along she was a terrible liar.


	13. Patience

**12 th January 2201, 22:15, Citadel**

Jayne ran a hand through her hair, the drag of fingers against the fibres simply adding to the static rather than calming.  She sighed.  Taking a handful and pulling gently, the tug sending a ripple across her skin.  Goddess, she was tired.  The Council sessions were near constant, a bitter battleground, tempers becoming frayed. 

Keying in her access code, Jayne set her shoulders, at this hour other members of the Guard would still be awake.  A nod ‘hello’ to her fellow commandos Jayne headed towards the armoury.  The small side room was always cooler.  Shepard leant her forehead against the cold steel of her locker.  A shiver fluttered up each notch of her spine, seeping across her arms as she felt the weight of her day pull at her limbs.  Bitter tears prickled at the corners of her eyes.  The leather of her gloves gave a squeak as Jayne clenched her fist, raising it, pressing her curled digits against the accusing solid mass.

“I wouldn’t do that.”

Jayne screwed up her face, pushing back against the tide of anger that threatened to drown her.  She exhaled.  Flattening her hand, she focused on pulling the coolth from the metal.  Finally, she pushed back, turning to face Aethyta.

“How do you stand it?”

“Which bit?”  Aethyta said with the hint of a laugh taking a seat on the bench.  Jayne started to pull off her leathers, stowing her equipment into its rightful place.

“The utter short-sighted contempt.  I’m going crazy after three days and you have to endure centuries.”

“It’s the way it is,” Aethyta said simply.

Jayne slammed her locker shut.

“Does anyone else realise we are on the brink of civil war?”  Aethyta didn’t make a move to reply.  “Hours upon hours of point scoring for what appears to be personal gain.  There are hundreds of billons of people relying on the decisions of a few, this isn’t democracy!”

“The Council has never claimed to be a democracy,” Aethyta said.  Jayne slumped onto the bench next to the Matriarch.

“I suppose not.  It just seems so backwards.  There is less evidence that the TUF exist than there was for the Reapers, yet here we are.”

“Fear does funny things.  Before the war the Terminus systems were already ‘rogue’, they’ve been left to their own devices for a decade now.  Nobody knows what will be waiting on the other side.”

“Well now we’ve just got used to kicking the can down the road,” Shepard spat.

Aethyta laughed, shaking her head.

“Kicking cans, now that is something the Council is well practiced in.”

“How do you live with it all?”

“I’ve got a secret weapon,” Aethyta said, slipping a hand to Jayne’s shoulder, “you know I’m a cynical bastard.  You know I don’t believe in people doing the right thing.  Goddess I’ve been let down too many times.  But, I believe in Nezzie.  She fights.  She fights for the right reasons, she wrestles with whoever she needs.  She is driven by the hope of a better world and is determined to heal the universe.  She is inspired everyday by the average Joe making their way, toughing it out, survivors who don’t realise what they’ve been through.  She loves them all and would move mountains for them, no matter the sacrifice.”

Jayne nodded, pushing off her knees and inwardly groaning at the stiffness.

“I need to get some sleep.”

 

**13 th February 2201, 09:00, Abercarne**

“Have you been back since?”

“No.  Why would I?  There isn’t anything there for me?”

“I guess not,” Liara trailed off.  She finished cramming her clothes into her bag, sitting on her bed and doing a final sweep of her room.  The January exams complete students had a week before the new semester started.  Liara was heading home. 

Aria slung her own bag over her shoulder, leaning on the door jam.

“Ready?”

Liara nodded getting to her feet.  The pair left their apartment and headed out into the winter drizzle.  It was a short walk across town to the public landing pads.  Even so they hurried through the streets with their heads bowed, the moisture in the air clinging to the scales on their crests.

As they crossed the central square Aria looked up, shaking her head.

“Liara what are you doing?”  She hissed.

Liara quickened her step.

“Just leave it Aria.”

Aria affixed a pleasant smile as she watched Liara kiss Feron’s cheek, taking his hand as the trio continued towards the shuttle pickup.

With the cloud base so low the shuttle was quickly swallowed by the swell of grey.  Aria tried hard to make out any details of the landscape below, occasionally catching a glimpse or shade as they sped through the air.  It was a short flight back to Beachley.  She wondered how much it would have changed, if at all.  The family she had been hosted with during school had long moved on.  Sure, she could take a walk past her old house, find the familiar bench in the park where she’d lose herself in her hurt.  It didn’t really matter though.  If it weren’t for Liara she’d probably never have returned, however, it had been a long time since she’d spent a vacation with ‘family’.  T’Loak tried not to think too hard about the sorrow that word brought up.  The textures of the clouds outside the shuttle window reflected in her eyes as she pondered her parents.  She wondered where they were, what their life was like, what Omega had become.  The jar of her teeth slipping off one another brought her back to reality.  She didn’t even know if they were still alive.

\----

Waving a brief greeting to the staff that met the shuttle, Liara pulled her coat tighter and headed towards the path that climbed the north ridge.  Feron watched her go, gritting his teeth and focusing instead on retrieving his bag.  As he swung back, the weight carried him into Aria.

“Sorry,” he said gruffly.

“No worries,” Aria replied, stepping back a little.  This was the first time she’d seen anything ruffle Feron.  Give the guy his due, he was usually permanently relaxed.  She hesitated before continuing, “are you okay?”

Feron sighed, his shoulders slumping.

“I.  I don’t know,” he faltered, “she won’t let me in,” he said finally in exasperation, “one minute she’s holding my hand the next she barely speaks to me for a week.”

Aria shifted uncomfortably.

“She’s got a lot going on,” she offered.

“Yeah, I know, her course, her running, her family, her House.  I get it.  I just.”

“You really like her, don’t you?”

Feron gave Aria a hard look.

“I know we met in, unusual, circumstances.  But, yes, I really care about her.  Who wouldn’t fall in love with Liara T’Soni, beautiful, intelligent, independent, ferociously. . .”

“Stubborn,” Aria added, helpfully.

“Not quite what I had in mind,” Feron said with a sigh, “I just wish she’d let me in, tell me what was really going on.”

Aria was thankful the drell turned away and started towards the house.  She rubbed her face wincing, what a mess. 

\---- 

Liara sucked the damp air through her teeth, letting the scent of resin fill her lungs.  Her footfalls softened by the bed of pine needles, tall trunks shielding her from the rest of the world.  With the upper canopy catching the mist, the gloom at ground level was at least dry.  Not that it mattered, she cared little as she sat on the bench which overlooked the estuary.  She could hardly make out the watch towers of the Alliance base on the other side.  Some days it felt like it never got light, today was one of them.

“How are you Heiress?”

Liara leant into Shiala, letting her head rest against her companion’s shoulder.

“Tired and lost.”

Shiala slipped her hand into the maiden’s, hoping it would bring some sort of comfort.

“Try and relax.  The house will be quiet, you have good people around you.”

“Will Mother & Father make it home?”

Shiala tried not to read between the lines of Liara’s question, choosing to take it as it was.

“Late this evening.  They’ll leave as soon as chambers comes to a close.”

Liara nodded.  Suddenly she became aware of how deeply the cold had worked itself.  The involuntary quiver of her insides as an icy grip took hold.  She’ squeezed Shiala’s hand, standing gingerly.

“Walk me back?”

\----

Jayne pulled on her training gear.  The late-night arrival had turned into early morning.  Sleep was a distant memory, fitfully caught in transit.  She could try and return to bed, but, she knew it would be futile.  Instead she strode into the basement training hall.  Most of the guard busied themselves sparring, a few sat in one corner stretching, Jayne made her way to the free-weights.  Loading up her bar she lost herself to the rhythmical pounding of her body moving through practiced routines.

Liara chided herself.  Her feet still carried her across the sprung floor.  She hadn’t caught sight of Jayne at first, but the tug of that particular human didn’t go unnoticed for long.  Liara failing to focus on her own mobility routine as her gaze continued to be drawn to the other side of the room.  With a sigh she had finally given in.  She should say hello after all.  It was only polite.  She shook her head in irritation, hoping it would stop her mind from automatically tracing the contours of Jayne’s body.  Liara swallowed, she could already feel her pulse quicken.  Talk to her, that’s all. 

“Good Morning Heiress.”

Jayne nearly dropped the weight she was holding at the sound.  Catching herself just in time as she turned to see Liara approach, the other commandos distancing themselves discretely.

Shepard swallowed hard, she hadn’t expected to see Liara.  The pair had hardly spoken since new year, Jayne leaving that ball firmly in Liara’s court.  The asari yet to play it.

“Hi,” Liara said quietly.  Jayne nodded, she didn’t trust her voice, finding her tongue suddenly stuck to the roof of her mouth.

“Hey,” Jayne finally managed to whisper.  Liara stepped closer.

“How are you?  How’s the Citadel?”

“I’m not sure I like the Citadel,” Jayne tried to offer a small smile, “I’m finding the politics tiring.  Hard work.  How were your exams?”

“They went well.”

“You would have prepared diligently, you always did.”

Liara felt a blush rise in her cheeks.  Goddess get a grip, she thought.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch,” Liara offered.  Jayne started to unload her bar and tidy her things.  She didn’t trust herself.  The tiredness that itched at her bones short circuiting her brain.  Liara stepping in close but not nearly close enough.  Shepard worked hard to push away the flashes of images and teasing reminders of what they had once shared.  Liara forever having the ability to push Jayne into freefall, freeing her of her senses until all Shepard had to do was keel into her want.

“What did you say?”

The pair stared at one another.  Jayne felt the blood drain from her face and her stomach fall.

“I. What? I didn’t…”  Jayne faltered.

Liara stepped into Jayne’s space.  Suddenly the maiden’s body taking on the form of smoke, whisper smooth as it curled and laced teasing traces.  She leant into Shepard, lips brushing against the curve of an ear.

“I want you too.”

\---- 

With forearms resting on the balustrade of the viewing gallery Feron watched Liara cross the training area.  He saw the hesitance, the surprise.  He saw the subtle communication between the Asari and Human.

“Who is she?”

Aria sighed.

“Corporal Jayne Shepard, formally of the Systems Alliance.  Now a huntress of the Armali cadre and member of the House T’Soni Honour Guard.”

“Who is she really?”  Feron asked, he couldn’t help but laugh at how stupid he’d been.

“A good friend, and Liara’s ex-girlfriend.”

\----

The walk from the basement to the second floor of the house seemed to take forever.  Jayne wasn’t sure if it was the cool air chilling her skin of her proximity to Liara that sent goose bumps dancing along her arms.  She followed swaying hips up stairs and along corridors, rolling her shoulders to try and focus.

Liara’s fingertips hot embers on Jayne’s wrist as the asari pulled her through the bedroom door.  Shepard’s hands finding the peaks of hipbones, Liara’s fingernails dragging through the hair at Jayne’s nape.  The fierceness of Liara’s kiss making Jayne weak.

Jayne felt like she was drowning, every sense ablaze as Liara pulled at her.  Shirts tugged over heads between frantic kisses.  Shepard pushed her shoulders against the back of the door hard to ground herself. 

“Li,” how easily she slipped to old patterns, “Liara, are you sure about this?”

Liara stopped.  Stepping back a fraction, fingers lightly gripping Jayne’s hands her voice carried an edge, her eyes held flares.

“Jayne.  I’m not sure of anything.  I am madly in love with you and hate you.  I spend every night dreaming about you yet wish I could rip the memories of ‘us’ from my mind.  My heart threatens to split my chest in two with how much I want to be with you, to fall into you, to have you hold me, to hold you.  I have grieved a hundred times over for the hopes and promises we made to one another.  You have left me trapped in a prison of my own making, yet it is full of such exquisite beauty I don’t want to escape.  I am lost, hurt and confused.  I barely know which way is up but every time I close my eyes my compass points to you.  There is a swell of rage in my chest so violent I wish I could beat you until even the dust vanishes.”

Jayne opened her mouth to speak, Liara leant in to kiss her gently.  The trace of her tongue along Shepard’s lower lip laden with lust, and want, spiced with danger.

“So, Jayne Shepard.  No, I am not sure about this.  But, as everyone else seems to have had what they want.  Time, space, a chance to ‘find themselves’.  I would rather like to have what I want.”

Jayne pushed herself away from the door.  Striding across the small space to put as much distance between them as she could.

“Liara, are you even hearing yourself?”  Jayne started to pace, pulling at her hair and clenching her fists, “I’ve said I’m sorry, I know I screwed up, I know you’re hurt and angry but what?  You think us sleeping together, colliding like this is going to help with that?”

“Don’t you dare tell me what I need!”

“I’m not telling you anything Liara, I just,” Jayne kicked at a bag out of frustration.  Looking down as the content spewed onto the floor.  She froze before looking back at Liara.  “He’s here?  Liara, have you lost your mind?  What the hell?  Yeah sure, if you’d come to me and said what you needed was… to be physical, before we talked it out, then okay, maybe I could role with it.  But this?  You were lying next to Feron less than two hours ago.”

Shepard snatched up her shirt, pulling it on.  Goddess she was such a fool, she should have just gone to bed.  She felt tears start to streak her cheeks, she didn’t bother to hide them.

“Liara, I love you.  I have never stopped loving you.  I was fucked up and couldn’t cope.  I had eighteen years of hurt and loss to come to terms with.  I was done with being defined by it.  I was done with hating myself, for hating my Dad, for hating the Alliance the Reapers, the War.  All of it.  I was done hating.”

Liara stepped towards Jayne, a hand pushing against Shepard’s chest.

“If you love me so much why couldn’t you stay?  Why did you leave me?”  Liara’s words choked by her own tears.

“Liara, it wasn’t like that…”

“Why wasn’t I good enough for the great Corporal Shepard?” Liara spat.  Jayne pulled Liara into her, wrapping her arms around the asari tight and resting their foreheads together.

“Liara, you have always been good enough.  I have always looked at you with awe and wonder.  I have always lost myself in your beauty.  I have always wanted to give you all of me,” Jayne sighed, “I didn’t, we didn’t know what that looked like.  I realised I was hiding in you.  I was using you to shield myself from the things that hurt my soul.  I wanted us to be forever, well, my forever at least.  To do that we have to be equal, walking side by side, no hiding, no distraction.  You deserve nothing less.”

Liara fought out of Jayne’s grip.

“Fuck you Jayne and your poetic voice!  I won’t let you manipulate me with words.”

Jayne threw her arms up in frustration.

“Words.  Liara.  All I’ve got.  How is it my fault if you won’t listen?”

“Listen!  All I do is listen Jayne, listen and have patience.  I don’t speak out, I hold my head high and follow all the airs and graces.  Polished and preened like a good little Maiden.”

“It isn’t my fault you were born into this.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, that once upon a time I fell in love with a beautiful woman who realised the privilege she had.  Who understood that yes, it was a burden, but it gave her the opportunity to strive for a greater good.  To be a force for change.”

“I’m fed up of not having a choice!  I’m fed up of having to live with the decisions other people make.  It isn’t fair!”

“So, what are you going to do about it?”  Both Liara and Jayne spun around to find Aria stood in the doorway, arms crossed and a challenge of steel across her features.  T’Loak walked pointedly towards them, holding their gaze, “Liara, get your head out of your ass and do whatever you have to.  I am fed up of looking at you.  Find the fucking fire that used to burn your skin so the whole world knew you couldn’t be touched.  You are not mediocre.  You are not average.  You are a T’Soni.”  She rounded on Jayne, “and you, Corporal Shepard.  You need to step the fuck up.  I thought Cales taught you to fight?  Well, it’s time you stopped fucking about in the shadows and stepped into the light.”


End file.
